Probably not the best way to start off a blog post, but this post will probably bother some people.  I know at the very least probably a lot of you will disagree with it.  It has already gotten me into a couple of disagreements just for mentioning it to a couple of people, so I have that to go off of.

Most, if not all, of my readers here likely live in (or have lived in) Indiana, I’m guessing.  And by default that probably makes quite a few of you Colts fans.  Now, while I wouldn’t necessarily define myself as a “Colts fan”, I’m all for them winning the Super Bowl.  I know barely anything about football, have no interest in it really, and haven’t even watched a game this season.  Sorry, but it’s the truth.  Doesn’t mean I don’t want them to win (as I said, I do), doesn’t mean I haven’t accumulated a few Colts shirts over the years, doesn’t mean I won’t be watching the Super Bowl and rooting for them.  But for the most part, I really have no major interest – it’s just something generic to connect with friends on, honestly.  I’ll clearly admit that.  In that sense, yeah – I’m a “bandwagon” fan.  My only interest is in the fact that everyone else around here cares, and it gives me something in common with them if I care at least a little bit too.  Is it wrong or unauthentic?  I don’t know, you decide – but I’m being pretty clear about what I think here, so I’m not sure it’s fair to call me unauthentic.

Now, while outside of the fact that it gives me a chance to connect with friends and have some fun cheering on a team they care about, Sunday is not that big of a day for me.  But this past Tuesday was.  It was the season premiere of the final season of LOST.  And I am a pretty big LOST fan.  I’ve been watching it since season 2, when a co-worker recommended it and I had a weekend to catch up on season 1.  I love this show.  Yes, it has its faults.  Yes, in some ways I can see how people think it went downhill by season 2 and all sorts of crazy things started getting introduced.  But it’s full of mystery, which I love.  When I was a kid, I wanted to be a detective.  And my love for logic and figuring things out is a big part of how I became a programmer.  So to me… watching this show and trying to figure out what’s going on – well, it just floats my boat.  Yeah, I’m “sucked in” – because I want to be.  It just does it for me.  Not all shows have.  I’ve tried to watch and catch up on both Heroes and Smallville, and I just can’t quite muster up the enthusiasm that I have for LOST.  It’s just an all-around interesting show.  And I have a feeling that most of my friends that are just as avid fans as I am feel very similarly.

So Tuesday was the season premiere of the final season.  LOST fans all over the country (or world, even?) spread their excitement and shared it with other fans via social media, particularly Twitter.  LOST was a trending topic on Tuesday, meaning it was one of the most talked about items on the social media site.  And, as almost anything, it got some haters as well.  People calling it madness, saying they would be glad it was over (presumably because they were sick of hearing about it), saying they’d never watched it and never planned on it, etc., etc.  See… to me, that’s kind of how I feel about the Colts.  Not that I dislike the team, not that I want them to lose, but honestly – yeah, I’m pretty sick of hearing about them.  During a Colts game, I cannot log on to any social media site and not see 90% of the content be about the team.  And the rest of the time, well even on an off day, I see at least one tweet or status update about them.  And I never really complain much about it (up til now, if you see it that way).  I get it – people are really into something.  And that’s ok.

Here’s my thing.  Pretty much all the people I saw complaining about all of the talk about LOST – are huge Colts fans that talk about the Colts quite a bit.  Isn’t this kind of hypocritical?  I mean, you can be a fan of something, but if I am, you make fun of it?  I saw tweets today wondering how people could live here and not be Colts fans.  Is that really that hard of a question to answer?  People like different things.  Is it not understandable that I really don’t care too much about football?  And it’s fine if you do, if you love the Colts.  But then what’s so bad about me loving LOST?  Why do you have to complain if it’s a trending topic for one day?  Is that really too much to deal with?  I see your tweets about the Colts all the time, and I don’t really complain much or let it get to me.  You’re entitled to be a fan of whatever you want.  I won’t try to stop you.

And you might say “well, it’s different”.  But here’s why I think it’s not.  Aren’t LOST and Colts games both there for entertainment?  Both consist of things happening… yeah, LOST is scripted, but it’s a story, even it’s planned out ahead of time, just the way the game is basically a story of what happened, only in real-time.  Both contribute to the economy by keeping people employed.  To me – it’s not that different.  Here are some of the arguments I’ve gotten otherwise:

- Colts football promotes hometown pride.

Does it really?  What do you define as hometown pride?  To me, it’s pride in where you came from, because you care about your roots and admire the place you came from.  What do the Colts really have to do with Indianapolis other than the fact that the name of the city is on their shirts?  The team originated in Baltimore, and I’m pretty sure that even in my limited knowledge of them, it’s safe to say that a lot of the players are not from here.  Is that really hometown pride?

- Playing sports promotes self-esteem and learning life lessons, but acting doesn’t.

I would beg to differ on this one.  Yes, Hollywood has its problems, but I’m pretty sure that people that get into acting make quite an impact on their self-esteem and learn plenty of life lessons as well, just like a lot of other careers.

- LOST started out with a good premise, but turned into just a way to make money.

I had a long conversation about this one.  First of all – I get it.  What happened with LOST was that no end date was set, so while the writers knew there was an end to the story… they didn’t know when they were supposed to end it, so plenty of things got thrown in there that probably really weren’t necessary, and yeah – caused some people to stop watching.  Heh – this is where I relate bandwagon LOST fans to bandwagon Colts fans.  I’ve been watching LOST for a while, and I like the story.  To me – it’s a good idea, and even though they might have gotten out of hand in the middle (when there was no end in sight), I will still watch until the end, because I am a true fan of the show and believe it will all play out well.  Isn’t this kind of like bandwagon Colts fans?  You know, those out there that really only care when the team is winning all the time?  If the Colts had started losing a lot over the last few seasons, I’m pretty sure they would’ve lost a lot of their audience as well.

Another point I would add to this one is that in both situations, there are people that are only out to make as much money as possible.  And there are also people that are out to put out the most quality product that they can, whether that be an episode that fans enjoyed or a game that was won.

I’ve made a lot of points here just to prove my parallel, but my main point is this: people have different interests, and different things they are a fan of.  A lot of them are just meaningless entertainment and don’t matter in the long run.  If you are a fan of one of these things, that’s great.  But don’t go on and on about how great “your” thing is and then bash what other people like just because they get excited about it for a day.  They let you have your fun – return the favor and let them have theirs.

Go Colts and yay LOST!

Did you think I forgot about this series?  Or about my blog in general, for that matter?  Sometimes there are things that I would like to blog about but the actual act of sitting down and writing out my thoughts in a coherent manner just feels too overwhelming.  Or, maybe I’m just lazy.  Anyway, here’s my next hero (and they are in no particular order, FYI).

Ricky (aka rickyleepotts) is my boyfriend, most of you are probably aware of that.  Some of you may not know him.  Some of you may not care for him.  But yeah, he is definitely a hero in my world, and here’s why.

Ricky came into my life at an interesting time.  I had just started a new job, and was going through some things in different relationships that left me open to new ones, and wanting to ring in the beginning of 2009 somewhere new and different.  Ricky and I met between Christmas and New Year’s, and he was open to plans for New Year’s as well.  We ended up ringing in the New Year together (which is an interesting and crazy story in and of itself), and have been dating ever since.

Ricky’s not quite like anyone I’ve ever met before.  I don’t always see eye to eye with him on everything, but one thing that I think is great about him is exactly how real he is.  He’s probably one of the most real people that I know.  And what I mean by that is… well, I can think of relationships I’ve had where I spent a lot of time wondering what the other person was thinking, because I really had no idea.  Some people are just not great at conveying much about themselves sometimes.  Ricky is the complete opposite of that.  I never have to guess what he’s thinking – he will be the first to let me know.  I think more of us need to be like that, and I certainly wish I was sometimes.  It’s refreshing to know someone that is honest about how they feel and what they are thinking.  There’s a degree of authenticity there that’s hard to find.  Some people that know him might think Ricky’s too opinionated, but my thought is that everyone has an opinion… how many of us are just too afraid to share it?

Another thing I love about Ricky is how passionate he is.  When he gets an idea in his head that he is interested in, he really goes after it.  I see people sit around and think of things they want to do for years, yet never end up doing them.  They don’t make the phone call or take the steps or whatever to accomplish what they really want.  That’s not Ricky at all.  Once he figures out what he wants (just don’t put a restaurant menu in front of him, or that may not happen), he goes after it.  He takes the steps to make it happen, and is usually successful.  I’ve gotten some nice perks (get your mind out of the gutter!) over the last year because he just knows how to make things happen.

Ok, I know you’ve been waiting for it… here’s where I get sorta gushy.  Probably the thing I like most about Ricky is how he knows how to deal with me.  Nobody’s perfect, everybody has their bad days… and on the days I’m sad, even though he doesn’t understand, he lets me know he loves me.  On the days I’m mad, if it’s at him, he tries to figure out what he’s done wrong and how to help.  I’m not perfect, but I’m very hard on myself, and thus sometimes hard on those closest to me, so you can bet he has to deal with a lot of that.  And he handles it probably about as well as anyone could.  I can’t imagine feeling much more helpless than dealing with someone who has just lost an immediate family member.  And he’s been there for me through all of that.

To my sweetie… thank you for loving me and for all the things I learn from and admire in you every day. <3

So being the time of year it is, I have noticed more and more people posting on Twitter or Facebook or their blogs what they are thankful for. While there are definitely things/people/etc that I am very thankful for, I think I’m also going to use this opportunity to just be totally honest about what things have been like for me lately. I’ve hinted at it to people, and even expressed it to some, but just for my own form of therapy, I thought I would explain it a bit.

Everyone knows that my dad passed away in March of this year, and if you read my blog or keep up with me regularly, you know a lot of the other things that have happened in my life this year. Shortly before my dad passed away, I had decided to go back to grad school at the IU Kelley School of Business to get my MBA. Following that decision came a long process that included studying for the GMAT, getting letters of recommendation, writing an essay, and taking prerequisite classes, among other things. I continued this process after my dad died because, well, it was a decision I made and something that I wanted for myself, so there was really no question about following through with it.

So I submitted everything, took the GMAT and got a good score, took my prereq, and got into the program. School started in August, and I have been on the journey since then. It has honestly been an up and down road the last few months. First of all, grad school is hard. Maybe not for everyone, but for me it is pretty hard at times. If the work isn’t hard, keeping up with all of the work is. I have struggled at times to easily understand the topics we have studied so far. I have had no real business training other than on the job from being in a professional IT (information technology) environment. Things like accounting (other than the short course I had in high school) and economics (other than what I remember from college stats classes) are pretty foreign to me. And a lot of the time, well, I’ve felt pretty dumb. And some days, this feeling carries over into work too, when I’m facing some new task that involves code that I’m unfamiliar with or functionality that I don’t know how to tackle.  This all leads to a lot of feelings of not being good enough, whether it is with work, school, relationships, or other areas of my life.

Now – combine those feelings with the fact that along with the death of my dad and the stress of work and school, I tend to be a stress eater. Sweets are my drug of choice a lot of times when it comes to looking for a pick-me-up. This has led to gaining a few extra pounds that I really don’t want. So of course that doesn’t help with those self-worth issues any.

Only a few close friends really know how much of a struggle this has been for me. And while advice is great, I honestly already know most of the advice. I know my self-worth, I really do. I know that I’m pretty, that I’m smart, that I will get through school and get my MBA, and that I will even lose those pounds if I really want to. But right now – it’s very hard to get that from my head to my heart. Struggling to feel something emotionally where you just don’t can be a very crippling thing, and a very difficult thing to understand, especially from the viewpoint of those that love and care about the person struggling with this issue. And every little small thing that somehow feeds (or even seems to feed) the lie can feel like a complete emotional attack.

So, here’s my admission. These self-worth issues combined with grief have made close, trusted friends suggest that seeking counseling might not be a bad idea, so I’ve decided to check it out via CAPS (Counseling and Psychological Services) at IUPUI. It’s a minimal fee service that IUPUI offers their students. And I have to admit that having someone to talk to about some of these things, a third party, can’t hurt.

So what does all of this have to do with Thanksgiving and being thankful? Well, as I’ve basically said many times now, it’s been a rough year. I don’t like admitting that, and I don’t like admitting that I need help. But I’m not sure what my year might have looked like without support from friends, for which I’m so grateful. Thank you, Ricky, gRegor, Seren, and Maurice, for being among the ones who know me best and still love me without fail. And thank you to that special volunteer at Outreach who let me know that I’m not alone, that I’m normal, and that grief can take years to overcome. I’m blessed to have so many great people in my life.

I’m also thankful that there have been a lot of wonderful things in my life this year as well. I’ve been able to achieve some pretty lofty goals and that fact makes me know that I can do anything I set my mind to. In addition to getting into grad school and working towards my MBA, I’ve also managed to travel a lot this year and visit some new places (including Las Vegas, the Grand Canyon, and San Juan del Sur, Nicaragua) as well as getting the next car I wanted, a 2005 Mini Cooper convertible.  Even though sometimes I can’t really feel it, I know I have accomplished a lot in the midst of a hard year.

I know I’m facing some difficult holidays coming up, but there are things to celebrate this year as well.  And I’ve realized that it’s okay to accept how I feel and to acknowledge that I’m not always capable of living up to expectations, especially my own.  But what I have done and what I am is still perfectly as it should be, even if there’s room for improvement (and there always is).  And there will always be those out there to love me and remind me of that, if I choose to let them.

There’s an idea that I’ve had for a little while about a new kind of blog post series that I think I am going to start.  See, there are a lot of really cool people in my life, people that mean a lot to me or have helped me or touched me in some way.  I’d like to start writing posts about these people, something of a tribute series to the people that mean a lot to me.  I’m going to call it “Heroes in My World”.

Welcome to the first post in this new series.  And I can’t think of anyone else that I would rather make it about besides my father.  If you read my blog at all, you know that my father passed away earlier this year.  And while I have blogged about his death and the experience that has been for me, I don’t think I have really talked too much about who he was, either for the world, my family, or me personally.

I honestly feel like I grew up not necessarily knowing my dad very well.  He owned his own business and was gone “out on installation” a lot.  See, my dad’s business was making and installing kitchen/bathroom/etc cabinets.  He decided he wanted to do that when he was a teenager and started his own business shortly after marrying my mom.  And, well, he was GREAT at it.  Not too many cabinet businesses actually make custom cabinets.  A lot of kitchen and bathroom cabinets are factory-made.  My dad was also a perfectionist at what he did, and while it may have only paid off financially enough to just support his family, he had a stellar reputation.  The local newspaper for the town that I grew up in has an insert once a week that showcases houses for sale.  The coolest thing in the world was seeing the times that a house was featured as having “Hugill cabinets”.

I remember going through some rough times in my childhood that I won’t get into too much, they are a bit too personal.  But through those times, I remember being scared, but knowing my dad would take care of things.  And I didn’t always get along with him (what kid or teenager does?), but looking back, I can see how I am a lot like him.  I think I relate to people very similar to how he did.  I find it very easy to talk to and be friends with just about anyone, and looking back, I can see that he was the same way.  In our small town, people knew him everywhere he went.  And after having worked at several local businesses as a teenager, I found the same was true about me.

This Christmas will be hard for my family.  My dad will be greatly missed, as he was a big part of our holiday celebration.  It’s grown smaller each year, it seems – my paternal grandparents used to be a part of it and are now gone as well.  One thing I really remember about Christmas each year growing up was that my dad always did his shopping on Christmas Eve.  I vividly remember when I was 16 and working at the local Walmart on the day before Christmas and seeing my dad there shopping for my mom.  Mine and my brother’s presents were already wrapped, of course, as my mom did that.  But most of her presents wouldn’t be purchased until the last minute.  He did that pretty much every year, and then would wrap them in comics from the Sunday paper.  Of course, until I got old enough to know how to wrap, then he pawned the job off on me.  What I wouldn’t give to be wrapping those presents for him this year…

I miss my dad, and not just because he was my dad.  He was a fun person to be around, always joking, laughing, and teasing people (sometimes to a fault!).  He was loved by so many people, and the number of them at his funeral and visitation was evidence of that.  For years and years, my dad used to carry around a poem in his wallet that he had found, something that he apparently strived for, something we should all strive for, and something that I can say without a doubt he did indeed achieve.  Here it is:

Success

To laugh often and much
to win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty;
to find the best in others;
to leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child,
a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition;
to know even one life has breathed easier
because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I can only hope that when I die, I am as successful.  There’s a song by Jimmy Eat World that I can’t help but crying when I hear now, because it makes me think so much of my father.  I’ve posted it on here before, but to me it sums up my feelings so clearly that I just can’t leave out the two stanzas that speak to me the most.

What would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I’ll never have a chance

If you were with me tonight
I’d sing to you just one more time
A song for a heart so big, that God wouldn’t let it live

May angels lead you in…

I love you, Dad.  You’re very much missed. <3