So it€™s kind of come to my attention that the human race is flawed.  I know, news flash, right?  There€™s something somewhat specific that I€™m talking about, though.  More and more I€™ve really noticed that we as humans expect something out of life.  We expect it to work.  We expect it to be what we dream.  We expect to be happy and have everything work out for us.  And when it doesn€™t, we get pissed.  I mean, seriously pissed.  It€™s like we expect the world to cater to us, to revolve around us.  And I€™m pretty sure that almost every human suffers from this problem. I would have to say that I have probably noticed this problem is probably the most evident when in traffic.  Think about it.  Every day someone cuts you off, honks at you because you are turning too slow, wants you to let them in even though it€™s their own fault they pulled into the wrong lane and are now holding up traffic€¦ can you tell I have encountered people with this issue?  And that I suffer from it myself?  Do we think that we own the road?  We don€™t, the government does and allows us to drive on it, allow with millions of other drivers.  And everyone thinks they know how to drive and thinks that they are the only one that really knows the right way to drive.  Do we even realize that everyone else has learned to drive somehow and probably thinks that they are doing it the right way as well?  Do we ever stop to consider that maybe we are the ones in the wrong, or that maybe there is more than one correct way to drive?  Or maybe we shouldn€™t just think that since we pulled out first in the line of traffic that we shouldn€™t let someone else in, that they don€™t deserve it.  We come first€¦ and we€™re entitled to be upset if anyone dares get in our way. And thus comes out the root of all of it.  Entitlement.  We were born in the U.S. €“ the land of the free and the brave, right?  So we automatically inherit the right to have a job, money, a house, a car, a significant other, and these days a computer, a cell phone, and a TV.  Well, sure €“ we do inherit that right.  But does that mean we are entitled to have these things, that because of who we are, they should just be ours?  Honestly, a lot of people seem to think so.  But guess what?  Not everyone has them.  Not even everyone in the United States has them.  And why is that?  Well, a lot of it has to do with where and how they happened to grow up. I grew up in a small town, part of a lower middle-class family.  So I had everything I needed.  We struggled at times, sure, but we always had a place to live and food on the table.  But really, not too much more than that.  My parents bought me things when they could, and we took trips when we could, but there were definitely plenty of times when we were hurting for cash.  My dad, when he had a stroke several years ago and became unable to work, had to sell off his entire business just to be able to continue to support himself and my mom.  So growing up€¦ well, we were kind of only really a few steps away from the poor house at times.  Well, I grew up, and got myself through college, and landed a good job and have really just moved forward since then.  I don€™t struggle financially usually, I€™m able to pay all my bills, and have done pretty decent for myself.  But what if I had wound up in a different situation?  What if I hadn€™t been interested in and good at something that could get me a job making decent money?  What if I hadn€™t been able to find a job?  What if I€™d been in a situation that made it harder to be able to go to college?  I could€™ve easily found myself there €“ plenty of people are.  Would I still feel like I deserve everything that I have? One of the reasons I started volunteering at Outreach, Inc. was because I knew that I was just one circumstance away from being in the same position the kids they serve are.  What if I€™d grown up differently, being around people that maybe were in a gang and that was the norm, or with parents that mistreated or neglected me, or with a mental disability that left me unable to understand what I really needed to do to survive?  What if I€™d been born to a single mom that had no money?  Any of those things could€™ve been very possible and would€™ve put me into a very different situation.  Why should I think I€™m any better than anyone else around me or entitled to anything more than they have?  Obviously they aren€™t entitled to all that I have, or they would have it, right?  But if I could be in their situation €“ if that€™s a possibility €“ then why do I have all of this and they don€™t?  Maybe I€™m not really entitled to anything at all.  Maybe I€™m really no better than the guy that cut me off in traffic, or the beggar on the street downtown that I just pass up with looking at. So really, what are we entitled to?  Anything?  Certainly there are people both born in the United States and other countries that are born into poverty with pretty much nothing to their name.  Is it by any act of our own that we weren€™t born that way?  I€™d say no, it€™s really not.  So maybe we need to think about that some more.  Look around you at all that you have.  I know it€™s cliché, saying we should be grateful for all we have, and that€™s not what I€™m getting at, really.  What I want you to examine is your attitude more than anything.  Sure, be grateful you have things and people in your life that you enjoy.  But I advise you to take a long hard look at how you behave, what you expect from the world and the people around you.  Do you expect them to cater to you?  Do you expect to get that good parking spot close to the door because you deserve it?  Take a look at how you€™re living and the attitude you have when you walk into a restaurant or store somewhere, or even when you€™re with your friends.  Do you expect things from them?  Do you expect the world €“ your servers, your fellow drivers, your friends €“ to cater to you just because you are you?  Maybe you shouldn€™t.  Maybe, instead, you should sprinkle your attitude with a bit more humility and realize that you could€™ve ended up someone completely different.  You could€™ve ended up being that person next to you, with their problems and blessings instead of yours €“ so maybe you€™d better be a bit more thoughtful about how you treat them.

This is a difficult blog post to write because it is very personal.  Sometimes I wonder if the posts I make aren€™t too personal, but really, in a lot of ways, I am willing to share a lot about myself if someone asks.  I consider myself a pretty open person.  Sure, there are plenty of things that people don€™t know about me, but the only real reason I don€™t share those things is because of the person listening and knowing that they are different than me and feeling like they probably wouldn€™t understand.  It€™s not because I don€™t want to be open with people. I know I€™ve posted on here about my difficulties sometimes since my dad died.  I mean, I don€™t know that that€™s where it starts, or that there even really is a starting point.  I could look at it as having started before that if I chose to €“ my grandparents both died a few years before my dad.  I remember once going to the Indy Star website and searching for my dad€™s obituary only to realize that my grandpa€™s came up as well (my dad was a €œJr€).  Then less than two years before my dad died, one of my best friends for the last ten years or so basically had a heart attack and wound up in the hospital in a coma.  He survived and made a full recovery, thankfully, but then about a month later my cousin had something similar happen and did not survive.  Then about six months after that, my uncle passed away as well.  And only a few weeks after my dad died last year, I lost another cousin to breast cancer.  ALL of these family members I would consider close.  I do have family that I rarely see, but these were all people that I grew up with and remember very well.  I could go into each one of my relationships with all of these people so you could see what I mean, but that€™s not what this post is really about. It€™s not all just death that has affected me.  I tend to really feel things when stuff goes on with my friends, and there has been miscellaneous drama there that I won€™t go fully into.  People I considered family went through things and went their separate ways.  Friends betrayed friends.  People that I considered friends and sought after for friendship denied it.  I guess all of these things have affected me more than I€™m sometimes willing to admit.  I just really hate playing the victim.  I don€™t want to say €œoh, look what I€™m going through€ because I know there is always someone out there going through something worse.  So I mostly just take it all on myself, deal with my feelings on my own as they come. So where has this left me?  Wow, what a loaded question.  And a tricky one to answer.  I€™ve made some mistakes.  I€™ve taken on some new things.  Grad school has been more difficult than expected at times.  All of this death, drama with friends, my own mistakes, and my own shortcomings have left me feeling very unworthy.  Worthless, pretty much.  Don€™t get me wrong, I know deep down I€™m not.  And sometimes I believe it.  But the slightest thing can set me off, leave me feeling like I€™m nothing.  I can€™t seem to battle it very well, and it has caused me off and on periods of depression for a while now.  I seem to just see all the things I do wrong €“ I€™m not good enough at work, I€™m not good enough at school, I€™m not a good enough friend, I€™m not a good enough girlfriend, my house isn€™t clean enough, my body€™s not skinny enough€¦ I could go on for a while. I saw a counselor for a few weeks, something offered from my school.  It helped a little having someone to talk to, but 1) it was awkward telling everything to someone that didn€™t really know me, and 2) I always seemed to go in on the days I was feeling good and they wondered why I was even there, and 3) on the one day I wasn€™t €œon€, I didn€™t want to talk and couldn€™t explain why I felt down, so that felt awkward too.  I€™m taking a break from it for now since my counselor finished her practicum, but I might go back at some point.  We€™ll see. I€™m not really sure how this post ends, because I€™m still at this part in the story.  I€™m still struggling, still feeling not good enough pretty frequently.  I guess I just wanted to share it so my friends might have some idea how I€™m feeling.  Deep down, I have plenty of confidence and I know who I am.  But I€™m having a hard time keeping a hold on that lately.  So I guess I just write this to ask for your help.  Not your sympathy, really, just your help in remembering who I am.  If I seem like I have it all together, I don€™t.  No one does.  We all need support and encouragement sometimes, and reminders of who we really are and what€™s good about us.  That€™s one thing I learned as a part of Beyond Your Best€¦ that everyone really is some kind of gift to the world, and that a lot of us never see ourselves that way.  I knew it about myself at one point, but now I€™m not really feeling it much anymore.  It may sound cheesy, but consider your actions and words, towards anyone€¦ encouraging someone instead of ignoring them or tearing them down might just make a much bigger difference than you realize.

Yep.  One of my heroes is a dog.  Weird, huh?  Well, there€™s a reason for it.  I mean, seriously€¦ tell me that after coming home to this face every day for two years, it wouldn€™t make YOUR life better too: I grew up always having a dog around.  My parents had a dog when I was born, a Chihuahua named Teddy.  Teddy actually ended up living mostly on our front porch (enclosed, not outside) after I was born because he became jealous having a baby in the house.  He had been the baby, and then all of a sudden there was this new tiny person in the house getting more attention than him.  I can understand him not being too happy about that.  Teddy died when I was about eleven, and my parents decided that it would be okay for us to get another furry four-legged pet.  (And it would NOT be a cat.  My dad had a huge vendetta against cats.  One had killed his pet chicken when he was a kid and he never quite got over it, thus we were by default determined to be €œdog people€.)   I definitely owe my love of dogs and other animals to my parents€¦ we even owned a pet shop when I was growing up.  Between all of the fish in the shop and at home as well as the hamsters we bred at one point (we named them after candy bars €“ think Hershey, Snickers, and Zero), our house was never without some kind of pet. So when we decided to get another dog, we found someone that had just had a litter of mixed terriers and visited their home to see if one of them might fit in and be the newest member of our family.  I remember going to this family€™s house and meeting the four dogs that were in the litter.  There was one white/light one that was quite rambunctious and lively, almost a bit too lively.  And there were two black ones that were pretty quiet, one of them being the runt.  And then there was one that was black and white with even a little bit of brown mixed in, with a kind of €œin-between€ personality, not too quiet and not too hyper, either.  This is the one we took home with us €“ a little girl puppy that we ended up naming Missie. Missie was with us for quite a long time, up until after I had graduated from college with my bachelors degree.  And she was a part of a two-dog household for a while, after I grew up and moved out on my own and decided that I also wanted a furry roommate (guys with chest hair definitely not an option) of my own.  I searched the local Freecycle Network and found a dog that had been abandoned on the south side, an all-black cocker spaniel named Chase.  I adopted him and brought him home, only to discover that poor Chase had very severe separation anxiety.  He barked a LOT whenever I would leave him, enough that my neighbors complained.  And if I didn€™t leave him confined to a crate, he tore things up.  I ended up really being too busy to take care of him since I was a full-time student and working part-time at that point as well, so my parents took him in.  He joined Missie until she passed away just a few years ago.  Now Chase€”who is totally a very sweet, gentle dog€”keeps my mom company. That brings us to the present day, or at least two years ago.  Two years ago yesterday€”July 19, 2008€”I decided that I wanted to try to get another dog.  (Well, really, I decided a few days before that when I was searching on Petfinder, but I actually got her on July 19.)  I found a dog that had been at Southside Animal Shelter in Indianapolis, but she had heartworm and was staying with a €œfoster family€ while she was being treated for it.  I came across a picture of Sophie on the Petfinder site and decided that she might be a good fit for me.  So I sent some emails to find out more about her, as well as making a visit to the family she was staying with to meet her.  Sophie seemed to take a liking to me right away, as she ran right to me when I called her name. It€™s been an interesting two years.  Sophie has now been through a lot with me, including some escape attempts where she went swimming in the apartment pond as well as one that ended up with her head stuck in her crate and a trip to get stitches in her neck.  We had to learn to adjust to each other€™s ways, and we have.  I€™m glad she got to meet and know my dad.  He loved her, even though she is a bit wild and definitely more rambunctious than Chase.  What€™s even funnier is that Ricky loves her too.  And he pretty much hates dogs.  (I think they just get along so well because they both love attention, so they feed off of each other.) So yes€¦ Sophie is one of my heroes.  When I have a bad day, I flip through the pictures on my phone and see the face, big dark eyes, and wet nose that I get to home to and cuddle with (and no, I don€™t mean Ricky) and it makes me smile.  When I€™m down or when I cry, she is always there to let me know I am loved unconditionally.  I rescued her, but some days I feel like she rescues me.  If you€™ve adopted a pet, you know what I mean.  She€™s my kid, and my life would have never been the same without her.

So being the time of year it is, I have noticed more and more people posting on Twitter or Facebook or their blogs what they are thankful for. While there are definitely things/people/etc that I am very thankful for, I think I'm also going to use this opportunity to just be totally honest about what things have been like for me lately. I've hinted at it to people, and even expressed it to some, but just for my own form of therapy, I thought I would explain it a bit. Everyone knows that my dad passed away in March of this year, and if you read my blog or keep up with me regularly, you know a lot of the other things that have happened in my life this year. Shortly before my dad passed away, I had decided to go back to grad school at the IU Kelley School of Business to get my MBA. Following that decision came a long process that included studying for the GMAT, getting letters of recommendation, writing an essay, and taking prerequisite classes, among other things. I continued this process after my dad died because, well, it was a decision I made and something that I wanted for myself, so there was really no question about following through with it. So I submitted everything, took the GMAT and got a good score, took my prereq, and got into the program. School started in August, and I have been on the journey since then. It has honestly been an up and down road the last few months. First of all, grad school is hard. Maybe not for everyone, but for me it is pretty hard at times. If the work isn't hard, keeping up with all of the work is. I have struggled at times to easily understand the topics we have studied so far. I have had no real business training other than on the job from being in a professional IT (information technology) environment. Things like accounting (other than the short course I had in high school) and economics (other than what I remember from college stats classes) are pretty foreign to me. And a lot of the time, well, I've felt pretty dumb. And some days, this feeling carries over into work too, when I'm facing some new task that involves code that I'm unfamiliar with or functionality that I don't know how to tackle.  This all leads to a lot of feelings of not being good enough, whether it is with work, school, relationships, or other areas of my life. Now - combine those feelings with the fact that along with the death of my dad and the stress of work and school, I tend to be a stress eater. Sweets are my drug of choice a lot of times when it comes to looking for a pick-me-up. This has led to gaining a few extra pounds that I really don't want. So of course that doesn't help with those self-worth issues any. Only a few close friends really know how much of a struggle this has been for me. And while advice is great, I honestly already know most of the advice. I know my self-worth, I really do. I know that I'm pretty, that I'm smart, that I will get through school and get my MBA, and that I will even lose those pounds if I really want to. But right now - it's very hard to get that from my head to my heart. Struggling to feel something emotionally where you just don't can be a very crippling thing, and a very difficult thing to understand, especially from the viewpoint of those that love and care about the person struggling with this issue. And every little small thing that somehow feeds (or even seems to feed) the lie can feel like a complete emotional attack. So, here's my admission. These self-worth issues combined with grief have made close, trusted friends suggest that seeking counseling might not be a bad idea, so I've decided to check it out via CAPS (Counseling and Psychological Services) at IUPUI. It's a minimal fee service that IUPUI offers their students. And I have to admit that having someone to talk to about some of these things, a third party, can't hurt. So what does all of this have to do with Thanksgiving and being thankful? Well, as I've basically said many times now, it's been a rough year. I don't like admitting that, and I don't like admitting that I need help. But I'm not sure what my year might have looked like without support from friends, for which I'm so grateful. Thank you, Ricky, gRegor, Seren, and Maurice, for being among the ones who know me best and still love me without fail. And thank you to that special volunteer at Outreach who let me know that I'm not alone, that I'm normal, and that grief can take years to overcome. I'm blessed to have so many great people in my life. I'm also thankful that there have been a lot of wonderful things in my life this year as well. I've been able to achieve some pretty lofty goals and that fact makes me know that I can do anything I set my mind to. In addition to getting into grad school and working towards my MBA, I've also managed to travel a lot this year and visit some new places (including Las Vegas, the Grand Canyon, and San Juan del Sur, Nicaragua) as well as getting the next car I wanted, a 2005 Mini Cooper convertible.  Even though sometimes I can't really feel it, I know I have accomplished a lot in the midst of a hard year. I know I'm facing some difficult holidays coming up, but there are things to celebrate this year as well.  And I've realized that it's okay to accept how I feel and to acknowledge that I'm not always capable of living up to expectations, especially my own.  But what I have done and what I am is still perfectly as it should be, even if there's room for improvement (and there always is).  And there will always be those out there to love me and remind me of that, if I choose to let them.

The other day I happened to run across my birthday card from my parents last year.  My parents... yep, signed "Mom & Dad".  It almost made me cry then... I had to take a moment.  Well, today I have my stack of birthday cards from this year sitting on my dining room table.  And I picked up the one from my mom.  My mom... just signed "Love, Mom".  It's the weird little things like that that really make it sink in.  I mean, they're both in my mom's handwriting - I know she signed both of them whether or not they were signed "Mom" or "Mom & Dad".  But it's just the reality of it - my birthday cards are just from my mom now.  I wonder if signing them that way makes her cry too.  I wouldn't blame her if it does. I think I realized yesterday something I hadn't quite admitted to myself yet.  I often have a big Halloween party every year, it's something I look forward to.  But this year I'm not, and I keep attributing it to the fact that I have a class that meets pretty much all weekend next weekend, over Halloween.  That really is preventing me from not having a party, but the reality of it is... I'm not that into Halloween as much this year.  Because the Wednesday after Halloween, November 4, is my dad's birthday.  And that's been on my mind about as much as Halloween, honestly.  It's so weird... in my family, we've always had birthdays every month from August to November, and then my parents' anniversary is in December.  And with each birthday, it just seems weird.  My dad's not here to celebrate.  And what do we do for his birthday?  Nothing?  He's not here to celebrate it.  He didn't make it to 68 years old.  But you can know that it won't pass by unnoticed, I know.  I have a feeling it's on my mom's and brother's minds every bit as much as it is mine. I'm not sure how to end this.  I didn't even know it was going to turn into a long blog post, or so personal.  But that's how I'm feeling.  So if I'm not into Halloween so much this year, well... that's why.  There's someone's birthday I keep thinking about instead. I miss you, Dad.

This has been a weird week for me. Among other things, Tuesday was the anniversary of the death of my dad. It went by basically unnoticed. My mom noticed, of course, and I think subconsciously I did even before I talked to her and she pointed it out. I remember having the thought that it had been around a month, and then I realized she was right. I've finally gotten to the point to where I no longer play the events of that night through in my head every day, but it's still fresh in my mind. The dynamic of my family has changed dramatically. It's my mom, my brother, and I now. Even obviously knowing why there's someone missing, it's hard to get past that fact. It doesn't quite feel right - just seems almost awkward. But we'll adjust, I suppose. You know - it's like I really just don't know how to feel. There's this part of me that really wants to feel sad about my dad. I want that time to think about him, and I want that time to feel sad. And I want people to understand that. It's not that I want a bunch of sympathy... I just want people to know that I AM sad. The rest of the world may have moved on, but for me there is no moving on. There is continuing my life, sure... but it's not like things will change. My dad will never be back, I will never get to see him again (short of the possibility of life after death). The pain of losing him is as fresh today as it was the day he died and the day of his funeral. It's like the world expects grief that day - that's the day I've been "approved" for it. But what if I break down in random tears one day? It happens, trust me. I fight back tears at work sometimes, just being reminded of something or thinking about something. It's not possible to distract myself 100% of the time, nor do I want to. I want to remember. I want to cry. It's weird, but it feels like those tears are really some of the only pieces of my dad I have left... they are a connection to him somehow. Sometimes little reminders pop up in everyday activity - a song that I hear, something I see or think about that reminds me of him - that cause me to fight back tears. The other times come when I'm alone, especially lying in bed at night, or driving. I'm alone with my thoughts, and they come freely. The reality of it all sets in, and the tears begin to flow. All I ask of my friends is to not forget me, or forget that I need you. Because I won't forget him. A month ago, he died. A month ago, you sent me that text message or email of encouragement to let me know you were there for me. A month ago is when all that happened... but to me it still feels like that day.

Lately I find myself writing a blog post in my head about my dad and how I've felt since/about his death. I can't quite bring myself to write it yet, though... it's just too fresh. On a related note, however, I seem to keep coming back to John Mayer's album Continuum when listening to music on my iPhone. Along with the song "Heart of Life", which is a favorite of mine and continues to resonate lately, this song seems to sum up a lot of how I feel lately. Coincidentally, the song talks about his dad turning 68... which is how old my dad would've been this year. Stop This Train No I'm not color blind I know the world is black and white Try to keep an open mind but... I just can't sleep on this tonight Stop this train I want to get off and go home again I can't take the speed it's moving in I know I can't But honestly won't someone stop this train Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go One generation's length away From fighting life out on my own Stop this train I want to get off and go home again I can't take the speed it's moving in I know I can't but honestly won't someone stop this train So scared of getting older I'm only good at being young So I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun Had a talk with my old man Said help me understand He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate Don't stop this train Don't for a minute change the place you're in Don't think I couldn't ever understand I tried my hand John, honestly we'll never stop this train See once in a while when it's good It'll feel like it should And they're all still around And you're still safe and sound And you don't miss a thing 'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark. Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again I can't take this speed it's moving in I know I can't Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

I wanted to post this to make some of my friends that I communicate with mainly online aware of it, as well as give some details of the arrangements. My dad passed away last night about 8:30pm. He was never quite himself after his hip surgery, and was in a lot of pain. He had been in and out of the hospital and a rehab center after the surgery, and finally just came home last weekend. I talked to my mom early last night and he seemed to be stable, but was not wanting to take his medicine or eat anything, really. After a text message from my cousin in Oklahoma saying that my mom had called her mom and said my dad was breathing slow, I called my mom to check in and found out that he was gone. I appreciate all of your prayers and concerns, and thank you to all of you that have sent me supportive phone calls, text messages, and emails recently. I love all of you so much. For those of you that would like the information, here are the details of the funeral arrangements.

Paul William Hugill, Jr. November 4, 1941 - March 21, 2009

Visitation will be Tuesday evening, March 24, 2009, from 4pm to 8pm at Myers Mortuary in Lebanon, Indiana. The address is 1502 N. Lebanon St., Lebanon, Indiana, 46052. The funeral service will be Wednesday, March 25, 2009, at 10:30am, also at Myers Mortuary with burial following at Oak Hill Cemetery in Lebanon.

I wasn't sure of the best place to write about this where the most people would see it, but since I know my blog posts get at least mentioned on Twitter and Facebook, I thought this might work. I've only really posted information about it on Twitter so far (other than one vague Facebook status), and there's really just too much to say in 140 characters or less at this point. So here's the deal... for those of you that pray, please pray for my dad. And even if you don't, if you could send some positive thoughts/energy his way, I'd appreciate it. My dad isn't really in the greatest of health to begin with, which some of you may know. He's had multiple strokes and has been in a wheelchair the past few years of his life. He's on disability, and my mom is unemployed and stays home to take care of him. But recently my mom has called me on three occasions in the last week to tell me that he's had to be taken to the hospital, for three separate reasons. The first was because of kidney stones, but the most recent time was this past Sunday, when he fell and broke his hip. He had surgery on Monday to get his hip fixed, and I took the day off of work to be at the hospital. The doctors were a bit concerned about his surgery, mostly because of the fact that the hip he broke was the hip on the side that he's paralyzed on. But the thought was that if the surgery went well and was successful, all would be good and he would heal and be back to normal. Well, his surgery on Monday afternoon did go well, and all was fine. But after talking to my mom the past couple of days, he's actually not doing all that great. Yes, he made it through the surgery and it was successful, but he's having trouble with his kidneys not working properly since then, and he's also still in a great deal of pain and won't eat much. My mom is exhausted and very worried about him. They're going to probably be putting a tube down his throat so that he can take his pills (crushed) and some food. He's still in ICU, and they thought he would only be there for the first night after his surgery. After he gets out of there, I believe the plan is to put him in a rehab center to get his hip somewhat back to normal again before sending him back home. Anyway - again, my mom's pretty worried and it doesn't sound like things are really going quite as well as we had hoped after the surgery. So please - I'd appreciate your thoughts and prayers for my dad as well as my mom right now too. Thanks to all who read this!