I have recently discovered that I pretty much hate the word "busy".  And it's not just the word.  It's the connotations that go along with it.  I really hate when you're talking to someone and you ask how they are and they answer "busy" and then proceed to tell you all the stuff they have going on.  Great, you're busy and have things you're involved in.  Yeah, me too.  In fact, doesn't everyone?  I'm not sure why you feel the need to clarify that YOU are so busy. If I wanted to, I could say that too.  Sure, I'm busy.  I work full-time, and I'm a part-time MBA student.  On top of that, I run two blogs, additionally write for two more, and help with another one that I'm an editor for.  On top of that, I'm also taking two other classes this summer in addition to my MBA classes.  In addition to that, I still try to find time for homework, socializing, and spending time with my family.  So yeah, you could say I'm busy too.  But I guess I just don't really think about it.  Everything that I'm doing or involved with, I chose and for the most part, enjoy.  So saying I'm busy, to me, amounts to one of two things (or possibly both).  Number one, I see the things I'm involved with as a task list - a list of things I need to get done.  Which, well, really isn't true.  Sure, there are things I need to get done, but for me it's not about a task list.  These are just the things I'm doing because I enjoy them.  I mean, I guess it could be considered a task list that I enjoy... but I don't see it that way.  I just see it as life, and the things that I'm interested in that are a part of my life.  And honestly, if I'm friends with you... I'm not really all that interested in you rattling off your task list to show me how busy you are.  Because that brings me to the second thing.  Number two - "busy" in our society has now come to be an indication of how important a person is.  I feel this a lot.  I don't really go on much about how busy I am.  But I sure do it hear it from others.  And that's usually (not always, but usually) how it comes across to me.  If you go on to me about how busy you are, it really just seems like you are trying to prove to me how important you are by how important all the things you are involved with are.  Either that, or you're trying to justify why you "don't have time" for other things, or people. I've also come to the conclusion that I think a lot of people pack their schedules so tightly full in an effort of avoidance.  If they are always busy with something, they don't have much time to themselves.  They don't have to spend much time thinking... just thinking.  Their focus is always on what's going on, what they are doing, and what is the next thing in their busy schedule.  It seems like these people are practically afraid of themselves, or afraid of being alone.  Which is kind of sad, because if you can't be with yourself, are you really being the best you with other people? Here's the thing.  You're only as busy as you feel and as busy as you make yourself.  As many of the things I listed above that I do, I still don't really feel "busy".  Sure, I'm involved with a lot of things.  Mostly things I love.  I write a travel blog because I love to travel and I love to talk about traveling.  I write for a blog about beer because I like beer.  I'm an MBA student because I enjoy it and it is helping me to grow and to learn more about both myself and things in the world of business.  That's not me being busy.  It's just the interests in my life coming through.  And, I still find time to spend time with people and time to relax and time to go see movies and time to read.  I don't feel "busy".  And I don't answer that way when someone asks me how I am.  Instead, I tell them I'm doing good and if they want to know more about what's going on with me, I tell them what they want to know. Sorry, but if you tell me you're "busy"... that just makes me feel like you think (and want me to know) all those things in your so-called packed schedule are just of more importance than me.  After all, they're all pretty important things you have to get done... right?

Well, it€™s gotten to the point that I€™m not even sure who reads this blog anymore.  And I don€™t mean that in a bad way, either, like I think that no one reads it.  I just don€™t know who it is out there that does.  I don€™t get as many comments as I used to, so I honestly really just don€™t know.  Maybe my friends, maybe my enemies, who knows.  So having said that, that I don€™t know who you are€¦ well, I suppose that is kind of my disclaimer.  If that scares you, like you think I€™m going to blog about you, or offend you, or who knows what€¦ you should probably proceed no further. I€™ve blogged about some of this more than once before, I believe, but, well, it€™s my blog and it€™s still on my mind sometimes, so I reserve the right to blog about it again.  And again and again if I so desire, right?  See, the thing is€¦ I kind of feel like I don€™t quite fit in anywhere, to some extent.  And I€™m trying to sort through exactly why that is.  One thing is that I don€™t quite have a €œcircle of friends€ like I have in years past.  I have friends here, I have friends there, but I don€™t have the same groups of friends that I saw on a consistent basis that I have before, really.  And this is for various reasons€¦ some circles have had problems and grown apart, some were through a church or job that I€™m no longer a part of, etc.  So there€™s that.  But, the thing is, it€™s not just that.  I find myself desiring friendship and company (especially since Ricky has been out of town so much lately), but yet not really wanting to be with anyone most of the time.  It€™s like it€™s a drain to be friends with people.  Sad, right?  Well, I€™m trying to explore what€™s really going on here.  Why do I feel like I want company yet often prefer to just go home and/or do something on my own instead of really seeking people out? I was thinking about it today and I realized that over the last couple of years or so, I€™ve had multiple friends that have basically, well€¦ hmm, what€™s the word for it?  Given up on me?  That may possibly be the best way to describe it.  I do know that I really try to maintain each and every friendship I have.  And there€™s a couple of things about that that I€™ve realized €“ one is that I€™m not always going to be good at that.  Some people are just naturally more important to me than others, for various reasons.  Now, you can think that€™s bad, but I don€™t.  I just have friendships that I naturally will spend more time on than others, whether it€™s because of how I click with them, what I€™ve been through with them, or whatever.  But there it is.  So I€™m not always going to be as good as I would like at maintaining ALL of my friendships.  Now, the second thing is€¦ I don€™t have to.  And this has been a hard thing for me to learn.  I€™m a people pleaser.  I want EVERYONE to like me.  And if someone doesn€™t, I try to fix that somehow.  Which is kind of a dumb thing to do, because sometimes personalities just clash and the only way to get some people to like me is just to change myself.  And that€™s not always something I want to or am willing to do.  There are things I don€™t like about myself that I know I could improve, sure€¦ but I€™m me.  And overall, though I know I can grow, I€™m honestly pretty happy with me. So here€™s the thing.  Just looking around me, at the state of my friendships, I€™m starting to wonder why some things are the way they are.  And I€™ve realized some things.   Right now, in some ways, I€™m afraid of friendships.  Like I said, I€™ve had some friends give up on me, so to speak.  I€™ve had important events in the lives of friends that at one time I would€™ve expected to be present at, that I€™ve not been invited to.  And, well, what I know that probably no one else except for maybe one or two people really close to me know, is what I have gone through the last year or so.  Don€™t go trying to figure that out, it includes multiple factors and things that you don€™t even know about or could even understand.  All of these things, I believe, have left me a bit scared of friendship.  Now, you probably think I€™ve blogged about this enough, between how long this blog has gone one, along with all the other times I€™ve talked about friendship on here.  But it€™s something that matters to me.  It matters because it affects how I interact with people.  It affects my personality.  It affects so many things about my life.  My interactions with co-workers, fellow students at school, current friends, potential new friends, former friends, acquaintances.  It even affects how much I like my life. You see, I€™m a pretty social person.  I€™m an introvert, sure, but I€™m social.  And this fear of friendship with people, well, it€™s made me pull even stronger towards my introvert side.  What do I mean by being afraid?  Well, when you have people give up on you, and you realize that your friendships aren€™t what they used to be, you start to doubt yourself.  And I have a natural tendency to do that anyway, and with some of the things I€™ve dealt with over the last year or so, including grad school, gaining weight, projects at work, and probably my first serious long-term relationship€¦ it leaves me doubting how good I am at life sometimes.  I lack some of the self-assurance I once had.  I€™ve doubted that person that I used to be able to be.  Is she still even me?  Losing friendships or realizing that some of them aren€™t what they used to be makes me doubt that anyone would really want to get to know me or be friends with me.  It makes me doubt whether people want to be around me.  It makes me wonder if people really want to spend time being a significant part of my life.  I know I€™m not always the perfect friend.  Far from it, obviously.  But I€™m also kind of tired of apologizing for myself.  I am who I am.  No one€™s perfect.  You may not like me, and I don€™t have to make you like me.  I realize that now.  But I€™ve also been afraid of even putting myself out there.  Fear of rejection is a powerful thing.  It can keep you from doing lots of things you might otherwise do.  Including even making friends.

What?  You haven't heard of gRegorLove?  How is that possible?  He is only the most awesome ladies man around!  You can read the story of gRegorLove right here, but you haven't gotten the full effect until you get to know him.  I met gRegor sometime in 1999, I believe.  This was back when the chat program ICQ was pretty popular, and I did a search for people living in my zip code at the time.  Oddly enough, gRegor didn't live in my zip code anymore, but had briefly at one point in time.  We got to chatting off and on for a while, and he eventually invited me to "Club Z" at the now-defunct Sonshine Inn.  So I went, on a Tuesday night, down to Fountain Square, dragging my best friend Seren along with me.  The first time I was there, I didn't know anyone, and gRegor was so popular that he seemed to always have someone around him, but eventually we connected and introduced ourselves.  Thus the beginning of what I believe will be a lifelong friendship. I eventually began attending Club Z more regularly, and was also invited to movie nights on Sundays at the "Mecca" (aka the Deckard's house in Danville) as well as the Bible studies they were holding at the time.  Through gRegor, I made many new friends, including the infamous Deckards and the other two members of the Tridumbverate.  My friendship with him has been the beginning of many things, including five years of trips to Cornerstone, lots of nights at Sonshine Inn, promotion of quite a few local concerts, infinite inside jokes, and a slew of new friends made. Earlier this year, I moved into a new apartment, my fourth move within the last six or so years.  And even though I only moved across the street within my apartment complex, it was still a huge hassle.  It made me realize that if you really want to find a way to see who your true friends are, just move and ask people to help you.  Nobody ever wants to, and it seems like most people will try to avoid it at all costs.  But selfless friends will always be the first in line to volunteer.  And though it's not always willingly, gRegor has helped me every time I've moved. If you know gRegor much at all, you know that friendship with him is not something you really ever want to give up.  He is one of the friendliest, kindest, most loving people I have ever met.  I'm not sure it's possible to find a person that knows what being a friend really means better than him.  And in 2007, we all came close to losing such a great friend.  On a Sunday morning that May, I woke up to voice mail messages from a couple of friends.  gRegor had been watching a movie with them and all of a sudden he started having what they thought was a seizure.  It was actually a problem with his heart, and he had to be taken to the hospital.  Over the course of a few days, many people came to visit him in the hospital.  The prospect was grim, and his condition was very serious.  We weren't sure if it would turn out okay.  But it did.  Thankfully, gRegor woke up, and eventually made a full recovery.  He now has to wear a pacemaker to protect that big heart of his. I will never forget the day I got those phone messages and rushed to the hospital.  I knew I was one of few friends he had (at least locally, as a lot of our friends from shortly after the time I met him have now moved to other states) that really knew his parents, and I also probably had more friends in common with him than pretty much anyone, so I took on the responsibility of calling people who knew and loved him to let them know what had happened.  I made A LOT of phone calls that day.  I think pretty much everyone that knows gRegor realizes what a gift he is, and the world definitely wasn't ready to give him up.  I know I won't be anytime soon!  I'm very blessed to have had gRegor in my life for about 10 years now and to be able to call him one of my best friends and heroes, and I look forward to many more years of spending time with him.  Love you, gRegorLove! <3

Disclaimer: If you think this could possibly be at you, then you're right, it is. To anyone that has ever considered themselves close enough to call me friend... I'm sorry I hurt you.  I know I did, and it was never really my intention.  Maybe it was something that you just let get to you that you shouldn't have taken so seriously, or maybe it was just me being selfish and not really caring at the time if you were hurt.  At any rate, I'm sorry. Did you know you've hurt me too?  Maybe you knew that, or maybe you didn't.  But you have.  More than once.  Maybe you didn't know you did, or maybe you were just being selfish too.  Or maybe my expectations were too high.  I've realized that holding on to my hurt is really hurting me more than you, though, so I forgive you.  It may require me forgiving again and again, so I will try my best to do that. I wish I could be completely authentic with you.  You don't and probably never will see all of me.  I have thoughts I don't share, and things that I've done that I'm afraid will make you not want me.  I have insecurities and doubts that I think will make me look like a weaker or lesser person in your eyes.  I have failed you in ways that you don't even realize.  I have not always spoken up and defended you when someone said something bad about you.  Sometimes it has been easier to remain silent or even to agree.  I'm not sure why that person's opinion of me meant more than you do, but at the time it apparently did. I wish you could see what I feel, but I can't let you in all the way.  I can't let you see how I beat myself up.  I can't let you see the failure I think I am, for fear that you will agree and think that about me too, or that you will see how weak I am to doubt myself so much, that I'm not the strong person you had hoped. Yes, I have judged you.  Yes, I have disagreed with you.  Yes, I have not always liked you.  And I definitely have not always liked the people you choose to spend some of your time with.  Sometimes I just don't understand you.  And sometimes I have even expressed that to others without telling you.  I know I shouldn't have feared confrontation with you, but I did.  I was afraid you would get mad, or that you wouldn't understand.  So instead I just kept silent and let it get between us. I--Wait, what did you say?  You have judged me too?  And talked about me to others instead of confronting me?  You've kept things hidden from me and let stuff come between us too?  You have doubts and fears and insecurities just like I do?  You've gotten mad when I haven't met your expectations?  How could you do that?  What kind of friend are you? Oh wait.  You're imperfect.  And messy.  Just like me.  Oops. So wait, what do I do?  What do you do?  Will we agree on everything someday?  Will we both drop all of our expectations and judgments and selfishness and never make any more mistakes?  Will we both always remember to not take everything so seriously and just let everything roll off our backs? Or - will we both need to reread this letter again in the future?  I'm sorry I don't have a "better" answer.  I know I will continue to make mistakes and have expectations.  But I can also continue to forgive, and to love, if that's what you want.  If you want me, I want you, and I want to call you friend. (a year later) I'm sorry I hurt you...

Single (but in a serious relationship) white female looking for additional friends. Must be open to the possibility of being friends forever. Must be willing to be a giver and taker, accepting friendship but offering it as well, taking initiative and not always waiting for it from the other person. Must be loyal and willing to forgive mistakes. Must realize that people are human and sometimes do things that hurt others. If necessary, must be willing to be confrontational and talk about things, even when it's not easy. Must be willing to accept both busy times as well as times of neediness. When in doubt, must always err on the side of reaching out as a friend. Most important: must really WANT to be friends. Perfect people need not apply. Serious inquiries only.

I want to write this post, but I don't even know where to start.  If you read my blog regularly, you know that my dad passed away a little over a year ago, and that I've had a difficult time dealing with this.  Over the course of this last year, a lot has happened in my life.  Along with my dad's passing, various situations happened among some of my friends.  Circles of friends fell apart.  I also started grad school, and that has been its own struggle as well.  Looking back over the last year, I have learned a lot.  I can look back now and examine some of my actions or non-actions during that time.  One thing I've noticed is that I lost virtually all of my "social energy" for quite a while.  Let me explain what I mean by that. See, I used to be someone that brought people together.  One of my friends even dubbed me the "nucleus", meaning that I was how friends knew each other.  Plenty of people met through me, because I've had a habit in the past of just inviting people from various parts of my life to come together, whether that means parties at my house or just inviting friends to hang out when other friends are getting together.  And after my dad died, that changed for me.  Between dealing with his death, struggles with grad school, and various drama with friends, I just didn't have the energy to initiate connections with people like I could before.  Being the "nucleus" literally just drained me, and I would've had no energy left to sort through my own dealings, which was hard enough in and of itself.  So I stopped initiating much with people.  I couldn't be the nucleus anymore, not for a while anyway.  Instead, I really needed people to be there for me.  Normally, I feel like I'm pretty capable of being the friend that people can come to and talk to as well as the one that hosts events and brings people together.  But not right now.  I found myself needing people to support me, at least emotionally. I've started to notice that recently I have begun to reach out to people again.  I'm just starting to once again feel like myself, like I can reach out to people and be there for them and not just need them to be there for me.  I've noticed friendships developing, and I'm starting to feel more connected where I haven't for a while.  It's a good feeling.  It's also caused me to look back over the last year at other friendships.  I'm not really one to judge friendships, and I call people "friend" pretty easily, because I make an effort to truly try to be friendly and be a friend to pretty much anyone, no matter who they are.  But I've just realized lately that I really do have very few people I consider a close friend, especially looking back over the last year and who has stuck around and who hasn't... who has been a friend that only really was there when I initiated connection with them and who has continued to be there pretty much no matter what.  It's been a discouraging, enlightening, and at the same encouraging revelation.  There are people that I don't look at the same way anymore - people I used to call close friends, but wouldn't anymore.  There are people that are truly gifts in my life - people that held me up, listened, and supported me through very rough times.  There are friends that I have grown closer to.   There are new friends that have become just what I needed at just the right time. One new thing I have learned is that I will no longer chase after friendships.  I don't mean that I don't think my friendships are valuable - I do, very much so.  But if someone makes it clear that they really aren't that interested in my friendship, I won't chase them.  I have done it in the past, and it's just not worth it.  If someone doesn't want to be my friend, then I owe them nothing.  Some people might have said it in words and others in actions, but I know I have people that have been in my life that I just don't feel the need to try to please anymore.  So I won't.  My time and energy will go into the friends that I know I can truly call friend. On a more positive note, I am very lucky to have some truly amazing people in my life.  And I think I try to do a decent job of making this clear to those people.  Thank you.  You know who you are.  Thanks for coming into my life to some of you - and to others, thanks for sticking around. <3