This is a difficult blog post to write because it is very personal.  Sometimes I wonder if the posts I make aren€™t too personal, but really, in a lot of ways, I am willing to share a lot about myself if someone asks.  I consider myself a pretty open person.  Sure, there are plenty of things that people don€™t know about me, but the only real reason I don€™t share those things is because of the person listening and knowing that they are different than me and feeling like they probably wouldn€™t understand.  It€™s not because I don€™t want to be open with people. I know I€™ve posted on here about my difficulties sometimes since my dad died.  I mean, I don€™t know that that€™s where it starts, or that there even really is a starting point.  I could look at it as having started before that if I chose to €“ my grandparents both died a few years before my dad.  I remember once going to the Indy Star website and searching for my dad€™s obituary only to realize that my grandpa€™s came up as well (my dad was a €œJr€).  Then less than two years before my dad died, one of my best friends for the last ten years or so basically had a heart attack and wound up in the hospital in a coma.  He survived and made a full recovery, thankfully, but then about a month later my cousin had something similar happen and did not survive.  Then about six months after that, my uncle passed away as well.  And only a few weeks after my dad died last year, I lost another cousin to breast cancer.  ALL of these family members I would consider close.  I do have family that I rarely see, but these were all people that I grew up with and remember very well.  I could go into each one of my relationships with all of these people so you could see what I mean, but that€™s not what this post is really about. It€™s not all just death that has affected me.  I tend to really feel things when stuff goes on with my friends, and there has been miscellaneous drama there that I won€™t go fully into.  People I considered family went through things and went their separate ways.  Friends betrayed friends.  People that I considered friends and sought after for friendship denied it.  I guess all of these things have affected me more than I€™m sometimes willing to admit.  I just really hate playing the victim.  I don€™t want to say €œoh, look what I€™m going through€ because I know there is always someone out there going through something worse.  So I mostly just take it all on myself, deal with my feelings on my own as they come. So where has this left me?  Wow, what a loaded question.  And a tricky one to answer.  I€™ve made some mistakes.  I€™ve taken on some new things.  Grad school has been more difficult than expected at times.  All of this death, drama with friends, my own mistakes, and my own shortcomings have left me feeling very unworthy.  Worthless, pretty much.  Don€™t get me wrong, I know deep down I€™m not.  And sometimes I believe it.  But the slightest thing can set me off, leave me feeling like I€™m nothing.  I can€™t seem to battle it very well, and it has caused me off and on periods of depression for a while now.  I seem to just see all the things I do wrong €“ I€™m not good enough at work, I€™m not good enough at school, I€™m not a good enough friend, I€™m not a good enough girlfriend, my house isn€™t clean enough, my body€™s not skinny enough€¦ I could go on for a while. I saw a counselor for a few weeks, something offered from my school.  It helped a little having someone to talk to, but 1) it was awkward telling everything to someone that didn€™t really know me, and 2) I always seemed to go in on the days I was feeling good and they wondered why I was even there, and 3) on the one day I wasn€™t €œon€, I didn€™t want to talk and couldn€™t explain why I felt down, so that felt awkward too.  I€™m taking a break from it for now since my counselor finished her practicum, but I might go back at some point.  We€™ll see. I€™m not really sure how this post ends, because I€™m still at this part in the story.  I€™m still struggling, still feeling not good enough pretty frequently.  I guess I just wanted to share it so my friends might have some idea how I€™m feeling.  Deep down, I have plenty of confidence and I know who I am.  But I€™m having a hard time keeping a hold on that lately.  So I guess I just write this to ask for your help.  Not your sympathy, really, just your help in remembering who I am.  If I seem like I have it all together, I don€™t.  No one does.  We all need support and encouragement sometimes, and reminders of who we really are and what€™s good about us.  That€™s one thing I learned as a part of Beyond Your Best€¦ that everyone really is some kind of gift to the world, and that a lot of us never see ourselves that way.  I knew it about myself at one point, but now I€™m not really feeling it much anymore.  It may sound cheesy, but consider your actions and words, towards anyone€¦ encouraging someone instead of ignoring them or tearing them down might just make a much bigger difference than you realize.

I've known for a while that I'm an introvert.  I've taken the Myers-Briggs test more than once, and even though I love people and I appreciate spending time with my friends, it's obvious that I am, without question, an introvert.  So what's that mean?  A lot of people think of introverts as quiet, shy individuals that just keep to themselves.  Well, I'm not quite that.  And that's not really what it means.  Someone with an introvert temperament gains energy from time spent alone.  There's quite a bit more to it than that, I'm finding out, but that is the jist of it. For one of my classes last fall, I had to take the Myers-Briggs again.  I came out as an INFP, which makes sense.  I'm pretty much a strong I (introvert) and F (feeling), with borderline N and P, apparently.  Before announcing who in our class came out as what temperament, our instructor gave us the breakdown of what everyone in the class was.  Each Myers-Briggs personality type works out to be a certain temperament.  Not surprisingly, there were a lot of Rationals in our group, and some Guardians.  But only one Idealist.  Yeah, guess who... I didn't really give a whole lot of thought to this, since I already knew I was an introvert.  And some people might not even think it matters a whole lot, but I honestly had never really thought about this before.  Until I realized I was dating a textbook extrovert.  Ricky, my boyfriend, is pretty much the polar opposite of me on this temperament scale.  He doesn't understand my need to be home and spend time alone, or why "going out" wears me out sometimes.  To him, being with people is a total energy generator, not drainer.  One of the things I love about him is that I never have to guess what he's thinking, because I always know.  He is quick to tell what is on his mind.  Of course he is, as an extrovert, he processes things outwardly.  He is stimulated by what goes on around him.  Being around a bunch of people gives him energy.  I, on the other hand, am the exact opposite.  I like people, don't get me wrong, but eventually I reach my fill of them and need time to process thoughts on my own.  That's the real difference between us.  Ricky, an extrovert, processes things by saying what's on his mind.  He reacts to outer stimuli.  I, a typical introvert, react to and process everything on the inside.  Only if you're an introvert can you truly know what this means.  I see so many of my friends that just have this need to hang out with people.  I on the other hand, can go days without doing that.  I have enough of my inner thoughts to keep me company. I started reading this book, The Introvert Advantage, to gain a bit more insight into some of these things that confound me about how I process things.  It's been kind of enlightening.  Like, for example, it talks about how introverts can easily be overstimulated by the external world, creating a feeling of "too much".  I so know exactly what this means.  I turn down lunches with people just to be able to get away to spend an hour by myself.  Extroverts, on the other hand, gain energy by that external stimuli.  They need people, activities, places to go, to generate energy. Their focus is on the outside world.  To me, though, the thought of going out or being somewhere every night just exhausts me and makes me irritable.  I need my time to recharge.  Extroverts get lonely if they are not in contact with people.  Not me, not for quite a while anyway.  I can go for days in my own little "cave".  In fact, doing so energizes me.  It takes me time to recharge and to process all the thoughts and goings-on inside my head.  Not getting the time or ability to do so can make me totally stressed out. If you are an extrovert, wow, let me tell you... you will probably never completely understand what goes on inside our heads.  There are so many thoughts and stimuli and things to process that it makes me tired just thinking about it.  Oh yeah, that's another thing... sleep recharges introverts.  Quiet time, down time... yeah, that's what helps me.  Ricky is just the opposite.  He is always going, going, going.  That just makes me tired. I wish I could explain everything in this book.  It's honestly just a continuous learning experience.  The more I read, though, the more sense it makes.  I get worn out easily with all of the stimuli in my life.  On the days that I have an eight-hour day at work and then a three-hour class afterwards, I generally just want to go home and relax.  And I *hate* having weeks where I have a lot of stuff going on on weeknights.  It makes me just want to go home and curl up with a book. So here's the lesson I've learned: that what I am is okay.  I'm not weird because I don't like to go out every night.  The fact that a lot of times I just like going to lunch by myself to read is perfectly fine.  And the fact that I have a lot going on inside my head that never really makes it out, that's okay too.  These are all perfectly normal, and they're really just me being me. If you suspect that you might be an introvert, I highly advise you to read this book.  It's been helpful, and even given me some ideas to best utilize my introvertedness.  And it might just give you some new insight into yourself.

So being the time of year it is, I have noticed more and more people posting on Twitter or Facebook or their blogs what they are thankful for. While there are definitely things/people/etc that I am very thankful for, I think I'm also going to use this opportunity to just be totally honest about what things have been like for me lately. I've hinted at it to people, and even expressed it to some, but just for my own form of therapy, I thought I would explain it a bit. Everyone knows that my dad passed away in March of this year, and if you read my blog or keep up with me regularly, you know a lot of the other things that have happened in my life this year. Shortly before my dad passed away, I had decided to go back to grad school at the IU Kelley School of Business to get my MBA. Following that decision came a long process that included studying for the GMAT, getting letters of recommendation, writing an essay, and taking prerequisite classes, among other things. I continued this process after my dad died because, well, it was a decision I made and something that I wanted for myself, so there was really no question about following through with it. So I submitted everything, took the GMAT and got a good score, took my prereq, and got into the program. School started in August, and I have been on the journey since then. It has honestly been an up and down road the last few months. First of all, grad school is hard. Maybe not for everyone, but for me it is pretty hard at times. If the work isn't hard, keeping up with all of the work is. I have struggled at times to easily understand the topics we have studied so far. I have had no real business training other than on the job from being in a professional IT (information technology) environment. Things like accounting (other than the short course I had in high school) and economics (other than what I remember from college stats classes) are pretty foreign to me. And a lot of the time, well, I've felt pretty dumb. And some days, this feeling carries over into work too, when I'm facing some new task that involves code that I'm unfamiliar with or functionality that I don't know how to tackle.  This all leads to a lot of feelings of not being good enough, whether it is with work, school, relationships, or other areas of my life. Now - combine those feelings with the fact that along with the death of my dad and the stress of work and school, I tend to be a stress eater. Sweets are my drug of choice a lot of times when it comes to looking for a pick-me-up. This has led to gaining a few extra pounds that I really don't want. So of course that doesn't help with those self-worth issues any. Only a few close friends really know how much of a struggle this has been for me. And while advice is great, I honestly already know most of the advice. I know my self-worth, I really do. I know that I'm pretty, that I'm smart, that I will get through school and get my MBA, and that I will even lose those pounds if I really want to. But right now - it's very hard to get that from my head to my heart. Struggling to feel something emotionally where you just don't can be a very crippling thing, and a very difficult thing to understand, especially from the viewpoint of those that love and care about the person struggling with this issue. And every little small thing that somehow feeds (or even seems to feed) the lie can feel like a complete emotional attack. So, here's my admission. These self-worth issues combined with grief have made close, trusted friends suggest that seeking counseling might not be a bad idea, so I've decided to check it out via CAPS (Counseling and Psychological Services) at IUPUI. It's a minimal fee service that IUPUI offers their students. And I have to admit that having someone to talk to about some of these things, a third party, can't hurt. So what does all of this have to do with Thanksgiving and being thankful? Well, as I've basically said many times now, it's been a rough year. I don't like admitting that, and I don't like admitting that I need help. But I'm not sure what my year might have looked like without support from friends, for which I'm so grateful. Thank you, Ricky, gRegor, Seren, and Maurice, for being among the ones who know me best and still love me without fail. And thank you to that special volunteer at Outreach who let me know that I'm not alone, that I'm normal, and that grief can take years to overcome. I'm blessed to have so many great people in my life. I'm also thankful that there have been a lot of wonderful things in my life this year as well. I've been able to achieve some pretty lofty goals and that fact makes me know that I can do anything I set my mind to. In addition to getting into grad school and working towards my MBA, I've also managed to travel a lot this year and visit some new places (including Las Vegas, the Grand Canyon, and San Juan del Sur, Nicaragua) as well as getting the next car I wanted, a 2005 Mini Cooper convertible.  Even though sometimes I can't really feel it, I know I have accomplished a lot in the midst of a hard year. I know I'm facing some difficult holidays coming up, but there are things to celebrate this year as well.  And I've realized that it's okay to accept how I feel and to acknowledge that I'm not always capable of living up to expectations, especially my own.  But what I have done and what I am is still perfectly as it should be, even if there's room for improvement (and there always is).  And there will always be those out there to love me and remind me of that, if I choose to let them.

Finally, here it is... the next one. (See previous posts - My 10 commandments and Commandment #2.) 3. Be me. I've been having a hard time of it lately. Now, usually I consider myself a pretty strong, independent individual that gets along just fine in life, generally. But lately I've been struggling with depression quite often. I'm not too concerned - I've got plenty of people to talk to and people that watch out for me. And I'm pretty sure it's related to the death of my dad three months ago. There's been several deaths and hard circumstances in my life over the last few years, including the death of my dad, my uncle, and two cousins that were significant parts of my life growing up. And I think it's just all starting to catch up to me. I've read that depression is a part of the grieving process. I think it's pretty normal, and I'm just trying to ride it out the best that I can while taking advantage of the support system that I have. This depression and struggle with life and motivation in general has contributed to insecurities and worthiness issues that are usually just a small part of my life struggles from time to time. Lately they've become even more pronounced. Here's one such example. I look around my life and start to compare myself and how I think to the people around me. I start to see girls that are thinner and think that I should be thinner. I see girls that put more time and money into their appearance, like getting manicures or wearing trendier clothes and wonder if I should do that too. Should I be smarter, more successful, thinner, prettier, do more "popular" things, have a better or cleaner apartment, spend my money more wisely? All of these are questions that have popped into my head lately and made me doubt myself. But here's the thing... if I really dig deep, I know myself. I know who I am and what I'm like. I'm really smart... I got my bachelors degree from Purdue University with a 3.8 GPA. I'm soon to be working on my MBA from Indiana University. I have a good job as a software engineer. I'm a good friend, with a fun personality and a good sense of humor. While I'm not the perfect weight I might like to be, I'm pretty. But I don't really care all that much about putting an abundance of time, energy, or money into fitting into the standard of what's popular. I'd probably be content to just dress like a college student for the rest of my life, wearing mostly hoodies, jeans, and flip flops. I'm most definitely a geek. I like to swing dance, I'm a Star Wars nut (I even dated a stormtrooper), and I volunteer to help homeless kids. That's me. So why should I worry about whether who I'm being or what I'm doing is right or wrong according to someone else's standards? I'm pretty great just being who I am.

Besides being a social event and a chance for good conversation and connection with people, Mo*Con also made me think. Standing outside of the building on Saturday of the event, I found myself in a conversation with Kelli Dunlap. The panel happening at the time was about the writing business, and I had decided to skip it and use the time to head home to let my dog out and go get my copy of Orgy of Souls (to be signed by Maurice and Wrath). Upon telling Kelli this, she asked me, "are you a writer?" I wasn't sure what to say... I mean, at this point the whole convention had made me actually consider writing more. But how do I answer that question? I blog. I journal. I do like to write. And I never seem to have trouble having the words flow pretty freely. And it is something I enjoy. But had I ever tried to get a story published? Not even close. So I didn't know what to say. Kelli termed me a "hobby writer" and told me that that was perfectly okay and not to let anyone tell me any different. She's right, at this point. But even my "hobby writing" hasn't been much of a focus lately. But maybe it should be. One thing I took away from Mo*Con was the feeling that I'm lacking something. I've heard that to be happy in life, you need a good balance of all your "life areas". One of those life areas is spirituality. And to me right now - I believe that connection and creativity are a big part of what spirituality is in my life... two things that I found in abundance at Mo*Con. As far as creativity goes - I'm not much of an artist, but I DO like to write. So I've decided. In an effort to increase creativity and gain some spiritual balance in my life, I'm going to write more. There's no rhyme or reason to it, and no publishing of stories will be sought after any time soon. Heck, I don't even know if stories will be written. But something will be. Right now, my focus is just doing it. It's easy to get caught up in the things in life that it feels like have to be done, and to not do the things that really are necessary for fulfillment that just don't seem as pressing. But I need the creative outlet. I need the channel for paying more attention to the world around me and the wonder it contains. So be it blog post, journal entry, or whatever may flow out... write I will. I guess I am a writer.

Inspired by one of the blogs that I follow, I've decided that I'm going to come up with my own ten (or less or more, depending on how inspiration strikes) commandments - rules that I do (or want to) live by and follow that I think will help me be more of who I want to be in my life. So, without further adieu (and in no particular order), I give you rule number one... 1. Just do it. Yes, I know this is a Nike slogan. But it's a good one, so I'm stealing it. To me, this saying applies in a couple of different areas. You see, I have the absolute worst problem with motivation in general. Anything that I know I need to get done, whether it be laundry, walking the dog, or studying for the GMAT - I will sit around and procrastinate until I by some miraculous act of God somehow find the motivation needed to get off my bum and do it. And usually that time comes far after when I'd originally planned on getting it done to begin with. I've learned that the best way to get anything done is to just start it. Once it's started, the motivation pretty well takes care of itself. The other area this saying applies is in things I'm afraid of. A good example I can think of is the time that I was on a zip line. I was on a platform at least 40 feet off of the ground, all strapped in, and the only thing it was my responsibility to do at that point was to jump off of the platform. There had been people in my group before me that had gotten up there, got to the very edge of the platform, and just could not make the jump. But here's the thing... if you get up there, stand on the very edge of the platform, and look down - you're in the very scariest place at that moment. And the longer you stand there, the scarier it will be. This is where "just do it" comes in - once you just let go, fall in, give up, and JUMP - the rest is easy. And I can think of many other areas of life where this applies, areas where I know that I have been (or still am) afraid, and it keeps me paralyzed, standing there in the very scariest place unable to let go. More commandments to follow...