I have recently discovered that I pretty much hate the word "busy".  And it's not just the word.  It's the connotations that go along with it.  I really hate when you're talking to someone and you ask how they are and they answer "busy" and then proceed to tell you all the stuff they have going on.  Great, you're busy and have things you're involved in.  Yeah, me too.  In fact, doesn't everyone?  I'm not sure why you feel the need to clarify that YOU are so busy. If I wanted to, I could say that too.  Sure, I'm busy.  I work full-time, and I'm a part-time MBA student.  On top of that, I run two blogs, additionally write for two more, and help with another one that I'm an editor for.  On top of that, I'm also taking two other classes this summer in addition to my MBA classes.  In addition to that, I still try to find time for homework, socializing, and spending time with my family.  So yeah, you could say I'm busy too.  But I guess I just don't really think about it.  Everything that I'm doing or involved with, I chose and for the most part, enjoy.  So saying I'm busy, to me, amounts to one of two things (or possibly both).  Number one, I see the things I'm involved with as a task list - a list of things I need to get done.  Which, well, really isn't true.  Sure, there are things I need to get done, but for me it's not about a task list.  These are just the things I'm doing because I enjoy them.  I mean, I guess it could be considered a task list that I enjoy... but I don't see it that way.  I just see it as life, and the things that I'm interested in that are a part of my life.  And honestly, if I'm friends with you... I'm not really all that interested in you rattling off your task list to show me how busy you are.  Because that brings me to the second thing.  Number two - "busy" in our society has now come to be an indication of how important a person is.  I feel this a lot.  I don't really go on much about how busy I am.  But I sure do it hear it from others.  And that's usually (not always, but usually) how it comes across to me.  If you go on to me about how busy you are, it really just seems like you are trying to prove to me how important you are by how important all the things you are involved with are.  Either that, or you're trying to justify why you "don't have time" for other things, or people. I've also come to the conclusion that I think a lot of people pack their schedules so tightly full in an effort of avoidance.  If they are always busy with something, they don't have much time to themselves.  They don't have to spend much time thinking... just thinking.  Their focus is always on what's going on, what they are doing, and what is the next thing in their busy schedule.  It seems like these people are practically afraid of themselves, or afraid of being alone.  Which is kind of sad, because if you can't be with yourself, are you really being the best you with other people? Here's the thing.  You're only as busy as you feel and as busy as you make yourself.  As many of the things I listed above that I do, I still don't really feel "busy".  Sure, I'm involved with a lot of things.  Mostly things I love.  I write a travel blog because I love to travel and I love to talk about traveling.  I write for a blog about beer because I like beer.  I'm an MBA student because I enjoy it and it is helping me to grow and to learn more about both myself and things in the world of business.  That's not me being busy.  It's just the interests in my life coming through.  And, I still find time to spend time with people and time to relax and time to go see movies and time to read.  I don't feel "busy".  And I don't answer that way when someone asks me how I am.  Instead, I tell them I'm doing good and if they want to know more about what's going on with me, I tell them what they want to know. Sorry, but if you tell me you're "busy"... that just makes me feel like you think (and want me to know) all those things in your so-called packed schedule are just of more importance than me.  After all, they're all pretty important things you have to get done... right?

The inevitable next post, right? I said goodbye to 2010, what else is next? Well, here are my thoughts on 2011... I've seen a lot of people say that they had a rough year in 2010 and are glad to see it go. Well, honestly, for me it wasn't too bad of a year. But either way, it's now a thing of the past. 2011 is a fresh start, for everyone. It can be whatever you want it to be. And I, for one, am looking forward to it. 2011 for me means the continuation of getting my MBA. I am halfway through the program and mostly done with my core classes. Now I will be taking more marketing and elective classes. I'm having a bit of trouble figuring out what to take, though, especially this summer since they don't seem to offer any marketing classes in the summer. Oh well... I'll figure it out! Anyone know of a company needing a project done in marketing that I might be able to do as an independent study? As I mentioned before, I will also be traveling more in 2011. I'm taking a day trip by myself to Chicago on MLK Jr day in a couple weeks, spending the weekend in Pensacola, FL in February, Russia over spring break in March, and then Ricky and I are planning to visit Italy this summer. We haven't booked that yet, so if you know of a good travel agent, let me know! There are a couple of goals I have in mind for 2011 as well. I've been reading a lot more lately, and I'd like to continue that trend. Since getting a Kindle around the middle of last year, I've read all of the Millennium Trilogy (Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series), all of the Harry Potter books, and am finishing up the last of the Hunger Games trilogy. The Harry Potter books aren't available on the Kindle, but I bought the whole series in paperback and basically devoured them. I read all of them between when Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows came out in November to just after Christmas. All while still working full-time (although a week of that was a vacation, when I read book 5) and taking finals! If you've seen the size of some of the books, you know this is no small feat. They were hard to put down, as is the Hunger Games trilogy. I read book 2 in less than 2 days. But I'm definitely enjoying reading more, the way I used to when I was a kid. I'd like that to continue. As a lot of people do, I know... I'd like to lose some weight too. I really put on some pounds last year, and I hate how my clothes fit and seeing the number on the scale. I suck at dieting, I like food too much. So this is really going to take a huge effort for me, but I hope to be successful at it. I know how to lose weight, I've done it before. But I'm not a big fan of exercise, and some foods are just hard to pass up. But I'm sure going to try. I'd like to work on my relationships with people, too. I suppose that is an ongoing process. Last year was kind of eye-opening for me... well, the last couple of years, really. 2009 held some changes for me, and I am honestly still really working through a few of them. My dad will never be back, and I think some people just don't realize what it's like to walk with someone through that. And of course, everyone handles the death of a parent or close family member differently. I'd say the biggest piece of advice I can give to anyone having to walk with someone and try to be their friend (or maintain a relationship with them) through that, is to not give up on them. I have said and done some things that I probably shouldn't have said or done. But according to who? Yes, people dealing with death are an energy suck. They take some maintenance. And some people just don't know how or aren't willing to deal that maintenance. And I haven't been worth it to some people. That's disappointing to me, but it's just how life is. I need to learn how to not take it personally, but I struggle with that. And I'd like to get better at it. I know I'm of value to people and I need to just accept that, be who I am, and get over the rest and focus on the value I bring and just BE THAT. Easier said than done, but I'm trying. I think that's about it at this point. Oh yeah, one more thing... I plan on blogging more! I'm excited to see what 2011 will hold. I hope you are too!

Well, I was planning on updating my blog design, and I started working on it and decided that 1) I actually kind of like this design and really didn't find one I like much better at the moment and 2) I don't really have time to work on a new design for it anyway, at least not the time I'd like to put into it. The holidays continue to be relatively busy, and school will be starting up again in a little over a week. Oh, and just in case you missed it and were wondering (I'm sure you were), I got an A- in Marketing and a B in Operations Management, my two classes last semester. Next semester I am taking three classes: Leadership & Ethics in the Business Environment, Applied Marketing Research, and Emerging Economies. The Leadership class is my last core class, I believe. There was another one, an international studies one, but I believe since I am taking the Emerging Economies course and it includes international studies, that I don't have to take that one. The Applied Marketing Research class is online, one reason I picked it up since I already am taking two other classes and this one brings me up to 9 credit hours for the semester - yikes! And then, the Emerging Economies class, of course, as I have already talked about on Twitter and Facebook, will take me to... Russia! It is basically a study of the Russian economy and includes a trip to St. Petersburg and Moscow over spring break. So I get to visit this beautiful place, among others: I'm VERY excited, as this will be my first trip overseas. Considering how little travel I really did growing up, I found it funny that when my professor was asking us if we would need our passports any time in the next few months (she was going to collect them to send to an agency to submit to get our visas), I actually had to say YES, I would need it - for the trip to Aruba I took earlier this month. It seems to becoming obvious to myself as well as everyone that I LOVE to travel as often as possible. I'm starting to get teased about how often I do, actually, by jealou--I mean, by friends and co-workers. ;) Ricky and I are constantly looking for an opportunity to get out of town. I already have three sets of airline tickets purchased for trips in 2011! On that note, I'd like to make my readers aware of a couple of things. Number one, I think I'm going to ditch the "travelatte" blog. It's just not really getting a following, and as this blog (my normal one) already HAS a following, I'm just going to post any travel stuff on here since I don't really have the time to keep up with two anyway. So if you get tired of it, well too bad, I guess. You'll know where I'm going whether you like it or not. :) Also, I'm taking down the Photos page, which most of you probably didn't even realize existed. All it really is is a feed of my Picasa photos, and I don't use Picasa anymore, so it wouldn't be getting updated anyway. But I'll probably incorporate a link to my Flickr page in here somewhere soon. And one more thing - I'm closing my public Twitter account. I don't want/need two accounts, and as I rarely use the @sherylh96 one, I'm just going to "shut it down". I may keep the account technically there as I've used that username for so long, I'd like to make sure it's mine on Twitter, but I will not likely be using it anymore. I will, however, continue to use my private Twitter account, @sherylhugill. And I will accept your follow request... if I like you. So that's that. Now, here is the latest scoop. My update, year in review, year-end blog post, whatever you would like to call it. I'm not really one to sit looking back too much, so I'm not sure how much I can reminisce about 2010, really. It had plenty of great travel, not surprisingly, and may possibly be considered my "coming out" as a self-confessed travel geek. I mean, Chicago, San Francisco, and New York in 3 weekends? I also got my tropical islands in, visiting both Hawaii and Aruba this year. I broke my own record for number of times I've flown in a year, topping out at 5, I believe. (Hawaii, San Francisco, New York, Phoenix, and Aruba, in case you were wondering.) Aside from travel, I also completed my first full year in grad school. I am now halfway through my MBA program - scheduled graduation is in May 2012, so I still have some time to go. Ricky and I have no been together for 2 years. Our "anniversary" is pretty easy to remember, as our first date was sometime between Christmas and New Year's 2008 - on the 29th, I believe. Our second date (and first kiss at midnight!) was New Year's Eve, so we tend to celebrate it then. Moving in together has gone relatively well, most of the time. I blame him for my recently developed initiation this year into the cult of Apple. I can claim I had an iPhone before meeting him, but who knew I would also end up using a MacBook Pro, iPad, and Apple TV? Yeah, we are an Apple couple for sure. I'm looking forward to 2011 and seeing what it holds. 2010 has required some adjustments, and some are still being made. But life is good. I hope yours is too. I'm excited for the plans I am already making for 2011, whether it's classes, new opportunities, or travel plans. I'm sure it will be a journey worth taking. Happy New Year as you ring in yours, and may 2011 be your best year yet!

So this past Sunday, October 17, was my 31^st birthday.  Unlike some women, I€™m not afraid to admit my age.  Why should anyone be, really?  The years that you€™ve spent on this earth are something to be proud of€”not ashamed of€”in my opinion.  Anyway, originally I had planned to do just what I did last year and take a trip to Kings Island on Sunday with a few of my closest friends.  But Ricky had other plans for me; he told me I should cancel the Kings Island trip, but wouldn€™t tell me why. So I did, and on Friday evening, we headed out in a rental car to a destination that I was still unaware of.  I soon determined that we were headed north to what appeared to be Chicago.  Ricky had told me earlier that we weren€™t going to Chicago, though.  But then again, he had told me that we weren€™t doing anything that I had previously guessed, and it turns out I had actually guessed exactly what we were doing.  So he wasn€™t really to be trusted on any of that.  Once we reached the Chicago area, it became obvious that it wasn€™t Chicago we were heading to, as we went past there, utilizing several toll roads along the way.  Luckily Ricky had plenty of change.  He did instruct me, however, that on the way back, after I became aware of our destination, I should use my magic to find a way home WITHOUT toll roads. Outside of Chicago, I asked how much further we had to go.  €œOh, a couple of hours or so,€ I was told.  Ugh.  So I decided to take a nap.  Not 20 minutes later I awoke to Ricky saying he had passed our destination (we had gotten off at an exit while I€™d been taking my very brief nap), and he was turning around.  We soon pulled up to a Red Roof Inn and checked in.  In the lobby, there were some brochures for attractions near our location (which at this point having been asleep I was unsure of).  Ricky grabbed one and handed it to me.  €œGet familiar with this place,€ he said.  I looked at the brochure€”it was for Medieval Times! I€™m sure most of you have heard of Medieval Times before, and if not, you are missing out.  It€™s a restaurant€¦ kind of.  It€™s a chain of 9 restaurants €œplus show€.  The show is actually a jousting event, horse show, dinner theater€”all put together.  All of the Medieval Times locations are actually castles, as the show is set back in€¦ you guessed it€”medieval times.  You pay for a package, and we actually upgraded our package while we were there, to a €œSweetest Day€ package, including a nicely done photo of the two of us along with glasses of champagne and more. We got there, stood in line inside the castle for a bit, and then were escorted into the lobby, of sorts.  The lobby area contained several places to buy souvenirs along with a bar, a €œdungeon€ museum of various medieval torture devices (not kidding), and even a mini stable where you could meet some of the horses participating in the show later.  Plenty of stuff to entertain while you kill time before the show and dinner. Once you check in, you are assigned a section that is designated with a color or colors.  We were in the red and yellow section.  Each colored section actually corresponds to one of the knights that will be €œcompeting€ in the show later.  So at promptly 8:00, we were all led into our section of the main arena.  All the seats face the arena, and it€™s basically like theater seats.  Honestly, the seats were a little uncomfortably far from the table for my liking, but I made due.  The show soon began with the king and queen announcing what was going on.  It was kind of hard to follow, but I€™m sure most people (like us) were really just interested in seeing the horses, jousting, and sword play among the knights. Dinner was great, although it was lacking one thing€”utensils.  We had plates, cups, napkins (which got VERY dirty VERY fast)€¦ but no fork, knife, or spoon.  Why?  Well, duh.  They didn€™t have those in medieval times, now, did they?  So neither did we.  We started off with tomato bisque soup and garlic bread, followed by baked chicken and some ribs accompanied by a potato.  The food was good, made even better by the entertainment, of course.  All in all, it was a great evening, and one I will remember for quite a while. The Medieval Times that we went to was in Schaumburg, Illinois, which is also home to America€™s second largest shopping mall.  And before you ask, no, I don€™t know the largest€¦ Mall of America, I€™m guessing?  So of course we had to visit the mall as well.  I was somewhat disappointed€¦ sure, it was big, but really it carried the same stores any mall does, the same stores I can find here in Indy.  But it was fun, nonetheless. Our trip also consisted of some reminiscing of our trip to Hawaii.  Yeah, Hawaii was such an epic trip that we simply can€™t stop reliving it!  One place we had frequented there was Yard House, a restaurant whose claim to fame is the number of beers that they have on tap€¦ there are a LOT.  The taps go all the way around the bar!  When we discovered that there was one not too far from Schaumburg, we figured we€™d be missing out if we didn€™t visit.  Another place that we had discovered in Hawaii was Todai, a Japanese sushi and seafood buffet that had been right down the street from our hotel.  We were excited to find out that Todai was actually a chain and that there was one in Schaumburg at the mall!  So we made a visit there on Sunday for lunch.  We do love our sushi and seafood. All in all it was a wonderful weekend.  Medieval Times was a blast, and it was nice to get away from Indy for my birthday weekend.  If you haven€™t been to Medieval Times, I highly recommend it.  It€™s a unique experience that you won€™t get anywhere else.  So thank you so much to my sweetie for a very fun surprise and a great birthday!  It was one that I won€™t soon forget.

Well, it€™s gotten to the point that I€™m not even sure who reads this blog anymore.  And I don€™t mean that in a bad way, either, like I think that no one reads it.  I just don€™t know who it is out there that does.  I don€™t get as many comments as I used to, so I honestly really just don€™t know.  Maybe my friends, maybe my enemies, who knows.  So having said that, that I don€™t know who you are€¦ well, I suppose that is kind of my disclaimer.  If that scares you, like you think I€™m going to blog about you, or offend you, or who knows what€¦ you should probably proceed no further. I€™ve blogged about some of this more than once before, I believe, but, well, it€™s my blog and it€™s still on my mind sometimes, so I reserve the right to blog about it again.  And again and again if I so desire, right?  See, the thing is€¦ I kind of feel like I don€™t quite fit in anywhere, to some extent.  And I€™m trying to sort through exactly why that is.  One thing is that I don€™t quite have a €œcircle of friends€ like I have in years past.  I have friends here, I have friends there, but I don€™t have the same groups of friends that I saw on a consistent basis that I have before, really.  And this is for various reasons€¦ some circles have had problems and grown apart, some were through a church or job that I€™m no longer a part of, etc.  So there€™s that.  But, the thing is, it€™s not just that.  I find myself desiring friendship and company (especially since Ricky has been out of town so much lately), but yet not really wanting to be with anyone most of the time.  It€™s like it€™s a drain to be friends with people.  Sad, right?  Well, I€™m trying to explore what€™s really going on here.  Why do I feel like I want company yet often prefer to just go home and/or do something on my own instead of really seeking people out? I was thinking about it today and I realized that over the last couple of years or so, I€™ve had multiple friends that have basically, well€¦ hmm, what€™s the word for it?  Given up on me?  That may possibly be the best way to describe it.  I do know that I really try to maintain each and every friendship I have.  And there€™s a couple of things about that that I€™ve realized €“ one is that I€™m not always going to be good at that.  Some people are just naturally more important to me than others, for various reasons.  Now, you can think that€™s bad, but I don€™t.  I just have friendships that I naturally will spend more time on than others, whether it€™s because of how I click with them, what I€™ve been through with them, or whatever.  But there it is.  So I€™m not always going to be as good as I would like at maintaining ALL of my friendships.  Now, the second thing is€¦ I don€™t have to.  And this has been a hard thing for me to learn.  I€™m a people pleaser.  I want EVERYONE to like me.  And if someone doesn€™t, I try to fix that somehow.  Which is kind of a dumb thing to do, because sometimes personalities just clash and the only way to get some people to like me is just to change myself.  And that€™s not always something I want to or am willing to do.  There are things I don€™t like about myself that I know I could improve, sure€¦ but I€™m me.  And overall, though I know I can grow, I€™m honestly pretty happy with me. So here€™s the thing.  Just looking around me, at the state of my friendships, I€™m starting to wonder why some things are the way they are.  And I€™ve realized some things.   Right now, in some ways, I€™m afraid of friendships.  Like I said, I€™ve had some friends give up on me, so to speak.  I€™ve had important events in the lives of friends that at one time I would€™ve expected to be present at, that I€™ve not been invited to.  And, well, what I know that probably no one else except for maybe one or two people really close to me know, is what I have gone through the last year or so.  Don€™t go trying to figure that out, it includes multiple factors and things that you don€™t even know about or could even understand.  All of these things, I believe, have left me a bit scared of friendship.  Now, you probably think I€™ve blogged about this enough, between how long this blog has gone one, along with all the other times I€™ve talked about friendship on here.  But it€™s something that matters to me.  It matters because it affects how I interact with people.  It affects my personality.  It affects so many things about my life.  My interactions with co-workers, fellow students at school, current friends, potential new friends, former friends, acquaintances.  It even affects how much I like my life. You see, I€™m a pretty social person.  I€™m an introvert, sure, but I€™m social.  And this fear of friendship with people, well, it€™s made me pull even stronger towards my introvert side.  What do I mean by being afraid?  Well, when you have people give up on you, and you realize that your friendships aren€™t what they used to be, you start to doubt yourself.  And I have a natural tendency to do that anyway, and with some of the things I€™ve dealt with over the last year or so, including grad school, gaining weight, projects at work, and probably my first serious long-term relationship€¦ it leaves me doubting how good I am at life sometimes.  I lack some of the self-assurance I once had.  I€™ve doubted that person that I used to be able to be.  Is she still even me?  Losing friendships or realizing that some of them aren€™t what they used to be makes me doubt that anyone would really want to get to know me or be friends with me.  It makes me doubt whether people want to be around me.  It makes me wonder if people really want to spend time being a significant part of my life.  I know I€™m not always the perfect friend.  Far from it, obviously.  But I€™m also kind of tired of apologizing for myself.  I am who I am.  No one€™s perfect.  You may not like me, and I don€™t have to make you like me.  I realize that now.  But I€™ve also been afraid of even putting myself out there.  Fear of rejection is a powerful thing.  It can keep you from doing lots of things you might otherwise do.  Including even making friends.

For a long time in my life now, I have pretty consistently been surrounded by guys.  As a girl in IT, and a developer at that, this places me into a very male-dominated field.  I was not the only girl developer on my team at my last job, so it wasn't too bad, but at my current job, I'm the only female developer in the entire company.  And I've also somehow ended up being the only girl that plays poker with the guys at my work as well.  And then, as if being a minority at work isn't enough, I decided to get my MBA.  I discovered the exact ratio of guys to girls in my marketing class this week when we did an experiment with marketing segmentation.  Yep, it's five to one.  Twenty-five guys, five girls.  So you can imagine that I am used to experiencing a lot of testosterone in my day to day interactions.  In light of this fact, I've found the need to make an effort to try to connect with some of the girls in my life a bit more, and on a more regular basis.  So... a few months ago I planned our first regular "girls night out". There are a few girls that I have encountered on Facebook that have entered my life in or for various reasons that have been a great source of encouragement to me over the last few months that I have wanted to get to know better and spend some more time with, and I thought of them as I planned this first girls night.  Hollie I went to high school with, and she found me on Facebook about a year and half ago and we reconnected and hung out a few times.  Melanie I used to go to a church singles group with.  Heather recently started dating my friend Ian.  Seren has been my best friend since I was nine years old.  Stacy I worked with at Walmart years and years ago, and we've been friends ever since.  JoAnn is dating my co-worker Ryan.  And Carrie I think I initially met through a message board online and then in person when she moved to Indy from Illinois.  I do know quite a few girls, but I didn't want it to grow too big and these are all girls that have consistently made attempts to establish good friendships with me.  Not all of them have even made it to a girls night yet, but only because money or prior commitments have gotten in the way. Our first two girls nights have been dinner, a movie, and cheesecake afterwards.  So far, this schedule seems to work out well and be enjoyed by everyone, but I'm sure we will venture into some new things in the future.  Our last girls night we decided to have dinner at P.F. Chang's and go see Eat Pray Love.  I've actually read part (but not all) of the book this movie is based on, and I enjoyed the part I read, so I thought the movie looked like it would be worth seeing.  The movie and book are actually a true story of the author's year spent in the countries of Italy, India, and Indonesia.  Elizabeth Gilbert, the author, recounts how after her divorce, she decided to take a year and visit these countries to see what she might learn about the world as well as herself along the way. The movie has actually gotten quite a bit of negative reviews.  I find this interesting for a number of reasons.  Most of the negative reviews that I've read have said similar things.  "An unrelatable character."  "A self-indulgent movie."  "A self-indulgent wallow in upper-class privilege feigning depth by cloaking itself in fortune cookie wisdom."  "Selfish, shallow, immature narcissist." (said about the main character and author)  "Trapped with a person of privilege that won't stop with the whine whine whine."  Wow, they sure have some things to say about the movie and author, don't they? What I want to know is... why is it self-indulgent to take a year to travel the world and learn more about yourself?  Is our country so caught up in the "grow up, get a job, get married, have kids" phenomenon that any other alternative is considered self-indulgent or unacceptable?  This bothers me.  I'm 30 years old and have a good job and no kids.  I make enough money and get enough paid vacation time that I can travel several times a year to various places around the globe.  And each time I do, I learn something new about the world and about myself also.  I honestly don't really plan to have kids.  I don't have a problem with them, but I think I prefer to not further the world's population and instead further my own experiences.  Is this selfish of me?  Not in my opinion.  It's my life.  I was only given one.  And I'm the only one that can make the decisions about it.  As long as I'm not hurting anyone else, why shouldn't I travel and do things for myself as much as I can?  Why shouldn't I seek to make my life on earth what I want it to be so that one day I can look back on it with no regrets? So I say - ignore the bad reviews.  If you are a woman, or anyone for that matter, that has ever known what it's like to be so confused about your life that you just don't know what step to take next, go see Eat Pray Love.  And even better, read the book.  I'm working through it right now, re-reading the parts I've already read.  It has a good message in the end.  You will learn something new in every country that you visit with the author, as well as be reminded of things you already knew but tend to forget.  Go enjoy life, accept yourself, and love and be loved... that's what I got out of it.  And couldn't we all use a reminder to do those things?

Last week was quite the week of surprises.  Well, I guess at this point it is now the week before last.  I kind of consider my weeks as starting on Monday, since Saturday and Sunday kind of go together as the €œweek end€.  So to me, even though it€™s 11:30pm on a Sunday night, I still consider what I am talking about to be €œlast week€.  Anyway, the week I am talking about is the week with July 22 in it.  July 22 is my sweetie€™s birthday. I started the week very excited, because I knew it was a big week with a lot of fun stuff about to happen.   It was also very much full of surprises.  Not so much surprises for me, but surprises for Ricky. The first surprise came on Wednesday, the day before his birthday.  He had told me about how on his birthday last year, nobody at his work said a word about it.  So I decided to send him balloons for his birthday, at his work.  I almost had a scare when I found out he was working from home on his birthday.  I had scheduled the balloons to be delivered to his office on his birthday, and that wouldn€™t work if he wasn€™t there.  So on Monday I called and rescheduled to have the balloons delivered on Wednesday instead.  The hardest part was keeping my mouth shut about it.  Ricky and I talk a lot via IM during the workday, so I knew that when he got them, I would know about it shortly after.  And sure enough, I did.  €œYou are awesome!€ is always good to hear.  Glad he enjoyed the balloons.  They are still sitting in our living room at home, now mostly shriveled up raisins, although the Mylar balloons are still floating around a little bit. Next surprise: my new MacBook Pro.  Now, you might not think of this much as a surprise for Ricky, but it really was.  I had talked about getting one before, and Ricky, of course, encouraged it since he loves his brand new one as well.  But when I was about to tell him that I was going to order one, I got €œI€™ll believe it when I see it.€  So€¦ I decided to not tell him when I did.  I was just going to keep it a secret until I got it.  But then I ended up being so excited about it and anxious to get it that that day before it was delivered, I decided I wanted to visit the Apple Store.  So Ricky tagged along, and while I was on one of the MacBooks there, I looked up my order just to see if he was paying attention.  So the truth came out then, and fortunately, my MacBook was delivered the next day. The big bang, end of the week, biggest day of surprises, was Sunday.  I had told Ricky that we had something going on that day at 1:00pm, but I wouldn€™t tell him what it was.  I love setting him up for surprises.  It always drives him crazy, but I€™m also pretty awesome at it and come up with pretty great surprises.  You€™d think he would just know and trust this by now, but he still went crazy trying to figure out what this one was.   I had taken advantage of a Groupon a few weeks before to order a brewing kit, ingredients kit, and beer home brewing class for us.  Once he finally figured out where it was that we€™d ended up, he was super excited.  The class was interesting, and we left with a kit and ingredients, ready to go home and get started brewing our own soon The final surprise was last Sunday evening.  I had told Ricky that I was going to spend some time with Seren, going out to see a movie.  I honestly made up all of the details as I went along, since I really had no plans with Seren, but that was my excuse so Ricky would think I was busy.  In reality, I had planned a surprise birthday party for him.  I was hoping that Johnny could get him to go out to dinner or something (since I was presumably out with Seren) and then people would show up to surprise him when he got back.  I didn€™t have to work too hard, as the same day he found out I was hanging out with Seren, he called Johnny to make plans for a guys€™ night.  So predictable.   So Johnny and Ricky went out for sushi, and several people showed up for the surprise while they were gone.  We scared him as he walked back up the stairs in his own apartment.  He seemed very surprised, enjoyed spending time with friends, and was surprised by both the party and the awesome golf course cake that Carrie made for him. So, all in all, it was a great week full of surprises.  Balloons, surprise birthday parties, beer making, and new Macs.  Can€™t get any better than that, right?  I was very pleased and fortunate and excited about surprising my guy, and it all turned out perfectly, making for a wonderful week even better than I expected, and a wonderful birthday for Ricky.  Hope your day was great €“ I love you, sweetie!

So it€™s kind of come to my attention that the human race is flawed.  I know, news flash, right?  There€™s something somewhat specific that I€™m talking about, though.  More and more I€™ve really noticed that we as humans expect something out of life.  We expect it to work.  We expect it to be what we dream.  We expect to be happy and have everything work out for us.  And when it doesn€™t, we get pissed.  I mean, seriously pissed.  It€™s like we expect the world to cater to us, to revolve around us.  And I€™m pretty sure that almost every human suffers from this problem. I would have to say that I have probably noticed this problem is probably the most evident when in traffic.  Think about it.  Every day someone cuts you off, honks at you because you are turning too slow, wants you to let them in even though it€™s their own fault they pulled into the wrong lane and are now holding up traffic€¦ can you tell I have encountered people with this issue?  And that I suffer from it myself?  Do we think that we own the road?  We don€™t, the government does and allows us to drive on it, allow with millions of other drivers.  And everyone thinks they know how to drive and thinks that they are the only one that really knows the right way to drive.  Do we even realize that everyone else has learned to drive somehow and probably thinks that they are doing it the right way as well?  Do we ever stop to consider that maybe we are the ones in the wrong, or that maybe there is more than one correct way to drive?  Or maybe we shouldn€™t just think that since we pulled out first in the line of traffic that we shouldn€™t let someone else in, that they don€™t deserve it.  We come first€¦ and we€™re entitled to be upset if anyone dares get in our way. And thus comes out the root of all of it.  Entitlement.  We were born in the U.S. €“ the land of the free and the brave, right?  So we automatically inherit the right to have a job, money, a house, a car, a significant other, and these days a computer, a cell phone, and a TV.  Well, sure €“ we do inherit that right.  But does that mean we are entitled to have these things, that because of who we are, they should just be ours?  Honestly, a lot of people seem to think so.  But guess what?  Not everyone has them.  Not even everyone in the United States has them.  And why is that?  Well, a lot of it has to do with where and how they happened to grow up. I grew up in a small town, part of a lower middle-class family.  So I had everything I needed.  We struggled at times, sure, but we always had a place to live and food on the table.  But really, not too much more than that.  My parents bought me things when they could, and we took trips when we could, but there were definitely plenty of times when we were hurting for cash.  My dad, when he had a stroke several years ago and became unable to work, had to sell off his entire business just to be able to continue to support himself and my mom.  So growing up€¦ well, we were kind of only really a few steps away from the poor house at times.  Well, I grew up, and got myself through college, and landed a good job and have really just moved forward since then.  I don€™t struggle financially usually, I€™m able to pay all my bills, and have done pretty decent for myself.  But what if I had wound up in a different situation?  What if I hadn€™t been interested in and good at something that could get me a job making decent money?  What if I hadn€™t been able to find a job?  What if I€™d been in a situation that made it harder to be able to go to college?  I could€™ve easily found myself there €“ plenty of people are.  Would I still feel like I deserve everything that I have? One of the reasons I started volunteering at Outreach, Inc. was because I knew that I was just one circumstance away from being in the same position the kids they serve are.  What if I€™d grown up differently, being around people that maybe were in a gang and that was the norm, or with parents that mistreated or neglected me, or with a mental disability that left me unable to understand what I really needed to do to survive?  What if I€™d been born to a single mom that had no money?  Any of those things could€™ve been very possible and would€™ve put me into a very different situation.  Why should I think I€™m any better than anyone else around me or entitled to anything more than they have?  Obviously they aren€™t entitled to all that I have, or they would have it, right?  But if I could be in their situation €“ if that€™s a possibility €“ then why do I have all of this and they don€™t?  Maybe I€™m not really entitled to anything at all.  Maybe I€™m really no better than the guy that cut me off in traffic, or the beggar on the street downtown that I just pass up with looking at. So really, what are we entitled to?  Anything?  Certainly there are people both born in the United States and other countries that are born into poverty with pretty much nothing to their name.  Is it by any act of our own that we weren€™t born that way?  I€™d say no, it€™s really not.  So maybe we need to think about that some more.  Look around you at all that you have.  I know it€™s cliché, saying we should be grateful for all we have, and that€™s not what I€™m getting at, really.  What I want you to examine is your attitude more than anything.  Sure, be grateful you have things and people in your life that you enjoy.  But I advise you to take a long hard look at how you behave, what you expect from the world and the people around you.  Do you expect them to cater to you?  Do you expect to get that good parking spot close to the door because you deserve it?  Take a look at how you€™re living and the attitude you have when you walk into a restaurant or store somewhere, or even when you€™re with your friends.  Do you expect things from them?  Do you expect the world €“ your servers, your fellow drivers, your friends €“ to cater to you just because you are you?  Maybe you shouldn€™t.  Maybe, instead, you should sprinkle your attitude with a bit more humility and realize that you could€™ve ended up someone completely different.  You could€™ve ended up being that person next to you, with their problems and blessings instead of yours €“ so maybe you€™d better be a bit more thoughtful about how you treat them.

This is a difficult blog post to write because it is very personal.  Sometimes I wonder if the posts I make aren€™t too personal, but really, in a lot of ways, I am willing to share a lot about myself if someone asks.  I consider myself a pretty open person.  Sure, there are plenty of things that people don€™t know about me, but the only real reason I don€™t share those things is because of the person listening and knowing that they are different than me and feeling like they probably wouldn€™t understand.  It€™s not because I don€™t want to be open with people. I know I€™ve posted on here about my difficulties sometimes since my dad died.  I mean, I don€™t know that that€™s where it starts, or that there even really is a starting point.  I could look at it as having started before that if I chose to €“ my grandparents both died a few years before my dad.  I remember once going to the Indy Star website and searching for my dad€™s obituary only to realize that my grandpa€™s came up as well (my dad was a €œJr€).  Then less than two years before my dad died, one of my best friends for the last ten years or so basically had a heart attack and wound up in the hospital in a coma.  He survived and made a full recovery, thankfully, but then about a month later my cousin had something similar happen and did not survive.  Then about six months after that, my uncle passed away as well.  And only a few weeks after my dad died last year, I lost another cousin to breast cancer.  ALL of these family members I would consider close.  I do have family that I rarely see, but these were all people that I grew up with and remember very well.  I could go into each one of my relationships with all of these people so you could see what I mean, but that€™s not what this post is really about. It€™s not all just death that has affected me.  I tend to really feel things when stuff goes on with my friends, and there has been miscellaneous drama there that I won€™t go fully into.  People I considered family went through things and went their separate ways.  Friends betrayed friends.  People that I considered friends and sought after for friendship denied it.  I guess all of these things have affected me more than I€™m sometimes willing to admit.  I just really hate playing the victim.  I don€™t want to say €œoh, look what I€™m going through€ because I know there is always someone out there going through something worse.  So I mostly just take it all on myself, deal with my feelings on my own as they come. So where has this left me?  Wow, what a loaded question.  And a tricky one to answer.  I€™ve made some mistakes.  I€™ve taken on some new things.  Grad school has been more difficult than expected at times.  All of this death, drama with friends, my own mistakes, and my own shortcomings have left me feeling very unworthy.  Worthless, pretty much.  Don€™t get me wrong, I know deep down I€™m not.  And sometimes I believe it.  But the slightest thing can set me off, leave me feeling like I€™m nothing.  I can€™t seem to battle it very well, and it has caused me off and on periods of depression for a while now.  I seem to just see all the things I do wrong €“ I€™m not good enough at work, I€™m not good enough at school, I€™m not a good enough friend, I€™m not a good enough girlfriend, my house isn€™t clean enough, my body€™s not skinny enough€¦ I could go on for a while. I saw a counselor for a few weeks, something offered from my school.  It helped a little having someone to talk to, but 1) it was awkward telling everything to someone that didn€™t really know me, and 2) I always seemed to go in on the days I was feeling good and they wondered why I was even there, and 3) on the one day I wasn€™t €œon€, I didn€™t want to talk and couldn€™t explain why I felt down, so that felt awkward too.  I€™m taking a break from it for now since my counselor finished her practicum, but I might go back at some point.  We€™ll see. I€™m not really sure how this post ends, because I€™m still at this part in the story.  I€™m still struggling, still feeling not good enough pretty frequently.  I guess I just wanted to share it so my friends might have some idea how I€™m feeling.  Deep down, I have plenty of confidence and I know who I am.  But I€™m having a hard time keeping a hold on that lately.  So I guess I just write this to ask for your help.  Not your sympathy, really, just your help in remembering who I am.  If I seem like I have it all together, I don€™t.  No one does.  We all need support and encouragement sometimes, and reminders of who we really are and what€™s good about us.  That€™s one thing I learned as a part of Beyond Your Best€¦ that everyone really is some kind of gift to the world, and that a lot of us never see ourselves that way.  I knew it about myself at one point, but now I€™m not really feeling it much anymore.  It may sound cheesy, but consider your actions and words, towards anyone€¦ encouraging someone instead of ignoring them or tearing them down might just make a much bigger difference than you realize.

Yep.  One of my heroes is a dog.  Weird, huh?  Well, there€™s a reason for it.  I mean, seriously€¦ tell me that after coming home to this face every day for two years, it wouldn€™t make YOUR life better too: I grew up always having a dog around.  My parents had a dog when I was born, a Chihuahua named Teddy.  Teddy actually ended up living mostly on our front porch (enclosed, not outside) after I was born because he became jealous having a baby in the house.  He had been the baby, and then all of a sudden there was this new tiny person in the house getting more attention than him.  I can understand him not being too happy about that.  Teddy died when I was about eleven, and my parents decided that it would be okay for us to get another furry four-legged pet.  (And it would NOT be a cat.  My dad had a huge vendetta against cats.  One had killed his pet chicken when he was a kid and he never quite got over it, thus we were by default determined to be €œdog people€.)   I definitely owe my love of dogs and other animals to my parents€¦ we even owned a pet shop when I was growing up.  Between all of the fish in the shop and at home as well as the hamsters we bred at one point (we named them after candy bars €“ think Hershey, Snickers, and Zero), our house was never without some kind of pet. So when we decided to get another dog, we found someone that had just had a litter of mixed terriers and visited their home to see if one of them might fit in and be the newest member of our family.  I remember going to this family€™s house and meeting the four dogs that were in the litter.  There was one white/light one that was quite rambunctious and lively, almost a bit too lively.  And there were two black ones that were pretty quiet, one of them being the runt.  And then there was one that was black and white with even a little bit of brown mixed in, with a kind of €œin-between€ personality, not too quiet and not too hyper, either.  This is the one we took home with us €“ a little girl puppy that we ended up naming Missie. Missie was with us for quite a long time, up until after I had graduated from college with my bachelors degree.  And she was a part of a two-dog household for a while, after I grew up and moved out on my own and decided that I also wanted a furry roommate (guys with chest hair definitely not an option) of my own.  I searched the local Freecycle Network and found a dog that had been abandoned on the south side, an all-black cocker spaniel named Chase.  I adopted him and brought him home, only to discover that poor Chase had very severe separation anxiety.  He barked a LOT whenever I would leave him, enough that my neighbors complained.  And if I didn€™t leave him confined to a crate, he tore things up.  I ended up really being too busy to take care of him since I was a full-time student and working part-time at that point as well, so my parents took him in.  He joined Missie until she passed away just a few years ago.  Now Chase€”who is totally a very sweet, gentle dog€”keeps my mom company. That brings us to the present day, or at least two years ago.  Two years ago yesterday€”July 19, 2008€”I decided that I wanted to try to get another dog.  (Well, really, I decided a few days before that when I was searching on Petfinder, but I actually got her on July 19.)  I found a dog that had been at Southside Animal Shelter in Indianapolis, but she had heartworm and was staying with a €œfoster family€ while she was being treated for it.  I came across a picture of Sophie on the Petfinder site and decided that she might be a good fit for me.  So I sent some emails to find out more about her, as well as making a visit to the family she was staying with to meet her.  Sophie seemed to take a liking to me right away, as she ran right to me when I called her name. It€™s been an interesting two years.  Sophie has now been through a lot with me, including some escape attempts where she went swimming in the apartment pond as well as one that ended up with her head stuck in her crate and a trip to get stitches in her neck.  We had to learn to adjust to each other€™s ways, and we have.  I€™m glad she got to meet and know my dad.  He loved her, even though she is a bit wild and definitely more rambunctious than Chase.  What€™s even funnier is that Ricky loves her too.  And he pretty much hates dogs.  (I think they just get along so well because they both love attention, so they feed off of each other.) So yes€¦ Sophie is one of my heroes.  When I have a bad day, I flip through the pictures on my phone and see the face, big dark eyes, and wet nose that I get to home to and cuddle with (and no, I don€™t mean Ricky) and it makes me smile.  When I€™m down or when I cry, she is always there to let me know I am loved unconditionally.  I rescued her, but some days I feel like she rescues me.  If you€™ve adopted a pet, you know what I mean.  She€™s my kid, and my life would have never been the same without her.